Nightmares tonight

It's 3am and I'm still up. Yes, I tried sleeping, as a matter of fact, I'm tired and exhausted. I could really use some sleep. But I've been escaping nightmares three times for the past two hours. So while they are still fresh in my memory, I will write about them.

I was inside a dormitory, an officemate was on the bed across the room. He's a closet gay officemate who's been hitting on me for the past few months. People at the office really thinks he's gay, but he's not giving in. He shared his story to me once, and now I have a deeper understanding of where he is coming from. But maybe because of that, he's becoming more and more aggressive to make a move on me.

Anyway, he was sleeping across the dark room. Lights from the street outside were peeping through the glass window. Silhouette. Night. I was sleepy, and so I tried sleeping. Had a bad dream, and woke up inside the same dark dormitory. My room mate was gone. Then someone suddenly grabbed me, I knew it was him. Big, hairy guy. I tried to push him away, he wouldn't budge. I pushed him a little more, but I was too weak for him. I realized it was a dream, I tried to bite my lips to wake up. Reality.

TV was still on. Aircon automatically sets to fan mode. Brother on the other bed. I was catching my breath. I assumed I wouldn't dream again after that, I was wrong.

Dream continues. I was inside the dorm, officemate is nowhere in sight. I said: "ayaw ko na matulog, baka bangungutin lang ulit ako." So I went outside my dorm. Ortigas. I was at MetroDorm. I stayed at MetroDorm for two months during my OJT at Regal Films and SAGA Events. I waited outside for a cab. Nothing.

A bald yuppie approached me and asked, "Taxi?"

I said yes.

He led me to a white car. Not a cab, but a car.

I was bothered. But I couldn't care more. I just wanted to be away from my officemate. We got off the driver's dorm. Pretty much similar to MetroDorm, but here, the lights were on. He led me inside, I don't know why I went in. But I did. I took the top bunk of the double decker, he was across the room, on the top bunk of another double decker bed.

I asked him what's wrong. NR. He looks Chinese, 30's, skinny. There was something wrong with his eyes, His left eye was shut, and his right eye was white. Weird. But I knew he was looking right at me, with pity. Like a friend wanting to get some answers from another friend, I asked him again, now in a more pleading note.

"Huy, anong problem?"

His facial reaction says "I'm sorry". My heart pounded again.

Someone from the bottom bunk grabs my leg and was pulling me down. I looked at the chinese guy again, and he was already looking away. He didn't want to see what was going to happen to me. I kicked. Once. Twice. I felt weak. I was crying.

And then it hit me, I am dreaming. I tried to wake myself up. Bit my lips, moved my shoulders.

Next thing I knew, I'm in front of my laptop, writing this entry.

What if I couldn't tell if it's already a dream in my next few dreams, will I be able to wake up from it? What if I give in?

The thought alone scares the hell out of me. But just like death, sleeping is inevitable. It's sad.

The only solid act which can get you rested has now gotten stress written all over it.