Hey Freshman!

Well, now that I still have the time to look over my Multiply site, I stumbled upon this album from my freshman year at the University of Santo Tomas.

Check this out! Kalbo pa ako, and I was kinda young then.



Ewan ko lang, pero kapag nakikita ko itong picture na ito, I remember how I used to be then.

What was I then?

Wrong question.

What changed?

Wrong question again.

How was life for me then?

---

On my fourth year in college, I look at myself and think of how life has been for me for the past four years.

Life has taught me one important thing in college, and that is about love.

Love for family.

Love for self.

Love for friends.

---

How was life for me then?

Life was easy. Although at some point during the time when that photo was taken, I fell in and out of the most heartbreaking love I ever had. I cried night after night, I knew I was still young even then. But I still chose to fall.

I met friends who came in and out of my life, some managed to stay with me until now, but most never did. Fell along the way.

My family went through the most difficult phase a family life could get. At some point, I thought we were about to fall apart. Like a Roman to his empire, I feared the fall. But my family proved to be stronger than any conflict. Despite EVERYTHING, we are still together. I hope we stay this way.

In my four years of college, I learned the true value of giving and receiving love from people whom you care for and cares for you all the same. I learned how to let go of family heartbreaks, Friendship overs, getting dumped, unachievable loves, bad influences, and emotions I tried to keep to myself.



I still stand my belief that learning never stops. After I graduate, I know there are still a lot of things I could learn. I want to travel the world and meet more kinds of love along the way. I think that life's essence all boils down to love, being appreciated, feeling you belong, loved, special in the eyes of another.

Life is all about love. If people think this way, what a beautiful world we'd be living in right now, no?

Frequent visits do it

My dad's frequent visit to Manila with mom gives me more time to talk with him about serious and grown-up stuffs. I remember about three days ago when we picked up Symon from his birthday party, dad and I got some 40 minute talkie. He told me about his previous jobs, experiences, etc.

I guess my being indifferent brought me closer to my dad. Had I kept my grudges, I don't think I'll see myself talking to him anytime soon. But when I decided to enter indifference, it changed everything.

The first few months of indifference was a struggle on my end. I tried to oversee his shortcomings and treat him...well, errr, indifferently. I talk to him as casual as my patience would tolerate me. But the love and respect are completely out of the question.

These past few days have been a revelation though. Me seeing my dad on a different light. Him and mom are getting along as well, and I couldn't be any more thankful for that.

Now, it is safe to say that I care about my dad again. I might not have the same respect for him as I have had before, but everything here is a working progress. I didn't see forgiveness in my heart before, but look at where I'm standing now. It all boils down to change.

Whatever change may bring, it will effect on the people around it. Good or bad, I'll be forever grateful for change, because I know everything's part of a Big Plan.

Thank you Lord!

**P.S., put Symon in next.

Missed Childhood

It has always been a wonder to me, at my age, na parang hindi ko pinagdaanan ang pagiging isang gagong bata. The worst thing I think I did when I was younger was pretended to become a soldier. yun na yun.

Noong bata kasi ako, lagi akong kawawa sa mga tao. People always hated my guts, mayabang daw, palaaway, hinding hindi mo makakasundo. Maybe that is one reason why I didn't have much friends then, dahil sa ugali ko. Na siya namang kina-opposite ng buhay ko ngayon.

I was bullied a lot when I was a kid. Laging pinapagalitan ng teacher, kasali sa suntukan, pinagtutulungan. Kaya naman I take pleasure in passing on the pain to people weaker than me. Masama talaga ako nung bata, na sa ngayon ay pinagsisihan ko na.

Seeing most of the boys in my batch today, lahat ng ginawa nila, hindi ko naengkwentro noong bata. Mga online war games, basketball, NBA, UFC, wrestling. Hindi man ako bayolenteng tao, minsan, naisipan ko na din magpakamatay. (emo pala). Kaya naman as I was growing up, nararamdaman kong maraming marami pang kulang sa akin.

Nakuha ko man ang mga mamahaling matchbox toys na gusto ko noon, lahat dahil sa inggit, kaya ako nagpapabili. Noong bata ako, I never played with toys, nagsusulat ako. I remember using my arts class sketch pad as a mat for my comics. Mga smileys na magbabarkada. Mga kalokohan nila sa school, lovelife. I write short stories na din noon pa lang, sa magic spoon na mabubusog ka kahit walang kinakain, preso na malaya ang paniniwala atbp.

When I was younger, hindi din ako mabarkada, laging may bestfriend lang ako. Although naiinggit ako sa mga grupo na naglalakad ng sabay-sabay tuwing recess, wala akong magawa. Hindi ko din talaga nakahiligan ang crowd, noon pa man, mas gusto ko na ang intimate relationships. Noon pa man, emo na ako.

But now that everything's catching up with me, nahihirapan ako. Buong batch ko ng CA boys, nagbabasketball, at ako, hindi marunong. Kaya naman sa audience lang ako madalas, nanunood. Grade 4 ata noong sumali kami ng liga, pero dahil sa time restraints at dahil masyado pa kaming mga bata, we backed out.

Pakiramdam ko, huli na ang lahat kung ngayon pa lang ako magkakaroon ng interes sa basketball. Hindi na ako nakakasabay sa NBA updates sa rooms, hindi ko kilala ang tennis players, ang UFC champions, ang UAAP players, ang cheat sa DOTA, NBA live 2009. WALA.

Kahit sa usaping sex, hindi ako nakakasabay! Although madami pa akong kilalang lalaking virgin sa batch, hindi din maiiwasan ang yabangan ng mga kumantot na. At ako, being my normal self, ay hindi pinaniniwalaan na virgin pa. Hindi ko din alam kung sa point na ito, eh it's something to be proud of. Pero totoo. Madami na ang nagyaya sa akin, walang pangit. pero ko, tumatanggi, takot akong makabuntis. Sobrang takot.

And so I ask myself, what have I been doing for the past two decades of my life?

Ano ang kinalakihan ko as a kid?

What are my real dreams aside from having a job and a family?

Ano ba ang past time ko talaga?

Passion ko?

If I was raised to be a good kid, then my mom did a pretty amazing job. I try to rebel by drinking and smoking, pero it was worth it only for the moment. Pag tapos na yung moment, you'll realize it isn't.

Andyan pa man yung takot ko sa fraternities, sapakan, and being bullied all over again, susubukan kong aralin ang mga bagay na hindi ko nasubukan noong bata pa ako. babalikan ko ang family computers, pog, PSP, PS3, DOTA, basketball*, kapag may oras ako.

Pero sa ngayon, hindi muna. Masyado pa akong busy.

Ako na ang callboy

Nakakatakot ang mga bakla sa paligid ko ngayong mga nagdaang araw, hayok lahat sa sex. At ang tingin nila sa akin, sexable.

One time, naglalakad ako sa Metrowalk mag-isa. That time eh naka-dorm pa ako sa Metrodorm. Bumili ako ng C2 sa mini stop nang mapansin ko ang isang kotse na mabagal ang takbo sa likod ko. Biniblink niya yung headlights niya sa akin. Walang ibang kotse sa daan, siya lang.

Sinasabayan niya ako sa paglalakad ko, akala ko kidnapper. tapos narealize ko na masyado akong malaki para kidnappin pa. Binaba niya ang bintana at ngumiti sa akin yung driver, bakla.

Nagmadali ako lalo sa paglalakad. Sumunod pa din siya. Malayo-layo pa ako sa dorm ko, kaya nasundan niya ako ng swabe. Bumubusina din siya habang sumusunod sa akin.

Dahil adik ako at nasa mood gumawa ng kagaguhan, kinausap ko yung driver.

Ano gusto mo? Kanina ka pa sunod ng sunod ah.

Sakay ka. Kain tayo.

No thanks.

Magkano ka?

At doon siya nagsimulang magbigay ng presyo. Umabot sa 2k.

Sumakay ka na, kakain muna tayo.

Nangibabaw ang takot sa akin. Hindi ako sanay sa ganoong sitwasyon.

Sabi ko na lang, mahal ako, hindi mo kakayanin. Tapos umalis na ako at hindi na siya sumunod.

Recently naman, yung councilor ng Batangas na nakipagkilala sa akin noong high school, nagtext. Nagulat ako kung paano niya nakuha ang number ko. Research? Ewan, hindi ko sigurado. Nangamusta, hanggang sa umabot sa usapang inaasahan ko din naman na mangyayari eventually.

May ilang beses na siyang nagyaya lumabas, lagi kong tinatanggihan. Mapilit. nangalok ng P50,000. Nabastosan ako, hindi ko na lang nireplyan.

Lalo ngayon sa gym, naguumapaw ang mga bakla. Tuwing nasa sauna ako o nagshoshower, may nakatitig sa ano ko. Hindi sila nahihiya o naiilang kapag ganun. Talagang nakatitig lang. Ngumingiti, kinakausap ako. Hindi lang talaga ako sanay magsuplado.

Gays are already a part of the society I guess. Kahit anong gawin mo, they're everywhere. Hindi mo maiiwasan na sa bawat grupo, may isang bakla. Masaya silang kasama, lalo na kapag yung kabastusan nila, eh kaya nilang sarilihin.