Wala na akong libog

This just in.

Kanina lang pumasok sa akin, kanina lang nag sink in. Wala na akong libog sa trabaho ko, hindi ko na ito mahal. Mahal ko pa din ang mga tao, ang mga nakakakwentuhan ko, but not my work anymore.

Baka siguro iisa lang ang show ko? Hindi ako motivated magtrabaho dahil hindi naman na ako nakakaipon? Hindi ko alam. Pagod na ako kakaisip, at pagod na din ako dahil hindi kailangan mag-isip sa trabahong pinasukan ko.

Payakap naman, isang mahigpit na yakap lang. Hindi tama yung makaramdam ng ganito. As far as I know.

Why and why not

Pagkatapos ng mahabang panahon, nakausap ko ulit ang nanay ko sa trabaho na si Mam Faye bilang isang nanay at hindi isang boss. Over ice cream, nagkwento siya about school stuff, mga konting personal na bagay. Sa kahabaan ng kwentuhan namin, naalala ko yung mga dahilan kung bakit gusto ko ang trabaho ko, at kung bakit hindi ito ang tamang trabaho para sa akin.

Napag-usapan namin ang tungkol sa thesis, ang mga techniques for research, data analysis etc. habang nagkukwento siya, puro "parang naaalala ko nga yan" ang pumapasok sa isip ko. Nalimutan ko na ang mga pinag-aralan ko noong college. Na feeling ko, dapat nagagamit ko sa trabaho.

Hindi ko alam kung good thing ito or bad. Maaaring napatunayann ko na hindi lahat ng matututunan mo ay nasa loob ng classroom. Dahil kumikita naman ako ng malaki, pero hindi ko ginagamit ang mga inaral ko. Pwede din namang nag-sayang lang ako ng pera sa school, sana nag masteral na lang ako sa graphics. Mga ganung bagay.

Pero one thing is for sure, pakiramdam ko, nabobo ako sa trabaho ko. Gusto ko tuloy ulit mag-aral. Gusto ko na ulit mag-aral.

Nakwento ni Mamita tungkol kay Gelli at ang kagustuhan niyang kumuha ng second course. Interior designing. Malayo sa Commarts, pero passion niya. Naisip ko din tuloy, what if mag culinary na ako? Once and for all, para lang wala na akong what if's sa buhay. Kung maaalala ninyo, muntik na akong magshift noong 2nd year high school sa isang culinary school. Gusto ko talaga magluto, both my parents are good cooks. Feeling ko may namana ako sa kanila kahit konti.

Ayaw ko na maging editor. It pays well, pero hindi ako tumatalino, nabobobo pa ako. Ang pagiging headwriter, alam kong hindi din nakakatalino.

Kung pasukin ko kaya ang mundo ng advertising? Kaso sana hindi na dito sa Pinas.

Kailangan ko na yata mag soul searching ulit.

Pero teka, parang andami ko nang soul searching moments, wala pa naman talaga akong nahahanap?

I willl give myself until June 22. Kailangan ko ng malaking pagbabago sa buhay. Kung wala, kasalanan ko na yon.

June 22.

Socialite

Noong bata ko, akala ko magandang pangarap ang magkaroon ng sariling sari-sari store, maliit na grocery. Kasi sa ganung klase ng lugar ako lumaki. Madumi, magulo, parang Tondo. Pagtapak ko sa highschool, nagbago na ang isip ko. Sabi ko, gusto ko maging professional. Doktor, piloto, basta white collar job, at mataas ang sweldo. Gusto ko naman magkaroon ng townhouse, kotse, at naka attache case ako pagpasok sa opisina.

Nung college, nagbago na naman ang tingin ko sa buhay. Gusto ko na ngayon tumira sa isang trailer van, bumyahe sa malalayong lugar, magpaint, magsulat, gumawa ng mga kanta, magtanim sa sarili kong bakuran. Mahirap akong mahalin, kaya naman sobra na lang ang pagpapasalamat ko sa mga taong nandyan pa rin para sakin, nagmamahal at sumusuporta.

Hindi talaga marunong makontento ang mga tao, totoo yan. Karamihan though, discontentment dahil kulang na kulang sila sa kung anong meron sila. Iba yata yung sa akin, overwhelmed ako sa mga bagay, kaya mas gusto kong bawasan. Mas naaappreciate ko na ngayong yung mga simpleng bagay. Dun ako mas sumasaya.

Kahapon, gusto akong i-setup ng showbiz friend ko sa kaibigan niya. Si --- --.

"Wow, sobrang sikat nya!!! Parang di ko naman kaya..."

"Gwapo ko naman at mabait, kaso gusto niya late 20's to 30 years old."

"Tumaas naman ang tingin ko sa sarili ko bigla."

"At least pasok ka sa choices namin."

"Thanks, compliment talaga yan for me! Salamat!"

Socialite si --- --, at sigurado kong hindi ko kayang i-maintain ang isang taong tulad niya. Lalo pa at niresearch ko ang mga sikat niyang ex. Hindi ko talaga kaya.

Naalala ko yung parte ng buhay ko na napabarkada ako sa mga Alabangers. Nag-eenglish ako madalas, tumatambay sa mga lounge at doon umiinom, kwentuhan tungkol sa chicks, sa sports, news, ewan. Hindi ko na din halos maalala, at lalong ayaw ko nang alalahanin. Masaya siya for a while, pero nakakapagod din lalo na't alam mo na hindi ka para doon.

May napanood akong Vimeo video na inupload ni Victor Basa, surprise birthday nung isa nilang tropa, Alabangers ang umattend. SInubukan kong isipin na kasama ako sa party nila, after a while, napangiti na lang ako. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, SRSLY?

Sigurado na ako sa kasimplehan ng buhay na gusto ko. Masaya ako kapag naglalakad, masaya akong nakikipagkwentuhan sa mga tambay, masaya ako sa pagkain ng kuhol at hindi escargot, masaya ako sa ulan, sa alon ng dagat, sa tunog ng tren na paparating, sa inihaw at sa amoy ng basang damo.

Ako si Wado, at ito ang kwento ng buhay ko.

Earthquake

Heard there's been an earthquake somewhere in Ilo-ilo and most parts of the country. Scary shit. I was watching Journey 2 when the thought hit me. The world out there is scary,  and we are powerless over its power. Nature that is.

Sabi nila, pag takot ka sa mundo, go to the moon, and look at the earth in that perspective. Tahimik, hindi mo makita ang mga tao. Journey 2 gave me that, in their last frame. I was somehow pacified. Pero hindi mo pa din maaalis sa akin yung takot.

Let's pray for everyone's safety tonight. Hug our loved ones. 

I am now a HEADWRITER

forcing a smile for a tiring week that has been.

I was just promoted to headwriter of an upcoming show on TV5. Headwriter. Dang! At 23, it never gets better than this. Singapore will really have to wait. 

This coming week is gonna be a lot busier, but I know I am surrounded by the right people, so things will be okay.

A UST prof died today, he was so young. We’re not close, I actually hate him for being strict. But hey, deaths will always be sad. 

Dying at an early age. Now I am more pressured to do well in life, live my dreams, and be the person I am destined to be. Bring smiles to other people, touch lives. 

RANDOMS

Another entry from my old blog. WHEN STARS DIE.

It was 2:00 in the morning, I left Jim, Mica, Migs, Jico and Mang Mike drinking. I lit a stick and walked by the beach. The view from the shore was pitch-black. From where I was standing, I could hear the group’s boisterous laughter jiving with the sound of the waves hitting the shore. Nonetheless, the sky that night was peaceful.

I decided to sit beside a small tree trunk that used to be a part of a bonfire, and survived the flames. I wanted to lie on the sand to get a better view of the sky, but I opted not to.  I just sat there and began breathing, puffing my almost finished stick.

I told myself, “this is where it ends”, out of the blue. The waves reminded me of the simpler life I used to have, where everything was easy, and life was very beautiful. Another voice inside my head replied, “this is me all grown up!”. I frowned and finished my stick.

I saw an old hut from a distance. The place was well-lit by a gas lamp sitting peacefully on top of a table. Their window was wide open so I was able to see clearly what was inside the house. Sitting in tranquility, I saw the humble hut as a metaphor of how life should have been, in this case, for myself. The hut’s windows were opened as if nothing evil could occur that night. 

The house was boasting its shabby interior even with the queer eye of the tourists all judgmental. I wish I could be as humble and proud and as perfect as the hut altogether.

A shooting star. I closed my eyes and made a wish.

The group gave away another round of laughter. I wasn’t jealous at all. I knew having a conversation with myself would be more appropriate. For the longest time, I have been away from myself. I was always divided among the people around me, my band, my friends, my family, school, organizations. I pity myself for not having made a special time for myself earlier. 

Things wouldn’t have gotten this far. I am certain I went far.

I took me a while before I finally found myself again, all contained and exhausted. For the very first time, I felt tired. In silence, I found peace.

A dog passed by and sat a meter away from me. Like me, he seemed tired from walking. The both of us remained dumbfounded by the wonderful display of stars above.

Another shooting star. I let the dog wish on this one.

Mica called me and asked if I were doing okay. I smiled and honestly said “yes”. After a short walk by the beach, we returned to the table and picked up from where we left off. I saw a plate of bagnet ( a Vigan dish- deep fried pork) on the table all lonely. I remembered the dog staring at it earlier at dinner. I called him and gave him all the bagnet he wanted.

At least one of us got what we wished for. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed with mine. 

Death and Resurrection

Binalikan ko ang blog ko from five years ago, and saw this. Mahusay naman pala ako magsulat dati, ANYARE!?

I woke up at 3:19 a.m. last night curled up at the edge of my bed, panting. I had the worst dream. I was sentenced to die.

Before I went to bed last night, I was watching the news. A team of environmentalists was being accused of libel by a huge company in Sulu. The company was allegedly releasing their toxins in a nearby sea that caused the death of more than a hundred fishes and marine life in Sulu. The environmentalist team then released a public note which was later on disapproved by the factory, thus, accused the group with a libel case.

The dream I had was patterned to what had happened in Sulu, by which in my case, I was the environmentalist, and the company owner was masked. I was to be electrocuted. I am already 19 years old, without a lawyer, and I am desperate. My eldest sister was with me, trying to stop the tears circling her eyes. I tried to talk myself out of the situation with executioner, but my plea for life aggravated his drive to kill.

I was chained uncomfortably on the electric chair. I tried to slip my hands and hopefully escape, but I failed, many times over. Then my sister popped the question, "should I tell Ma?". Although asleep, I knew my heart was crying like I’ve never felt happiness in my entire life. My body was shaking but my mind was under the mercy of my dream. Despair.

I had to choose. Would I want my mom beside me while I am being killed and cherish the last remaining seconds of my life with her? Or should I spare her the agony of seeing her son die right in front of her, both helpless and distressed?

Then my sister asked once more, "should I tell Ma?". I said "No".

There were two of us accused that day. One was a shabby, bearded man who seemed to have no family at all. He was killed unexpectedly, as if trying to give me a clearer picture of what’s going to happen. I know I did nothing wrong. I am innocent, but my dream proves otherwise.

At the last minute, I looked at my sister and told her to tell my mother that I really love her. Coming from me, those words were not to be taken for granted. It took all the remaining courage in me to get through all that emotion. At that moment, it felt like as if I was already dead.

I closed my eyes and basked in the melancholic beauty of darkness. And when I opened them for what I thought was the last time, I saw her, my mom. She held my head with her hands, eyes trying to communicate what words couldn’t express. We were both crying.

It was the happiest moment of my life. From that moment on, I was prepared to die.

The guards dragged her across the hall. Saying goodbye wasn’t easy, especially when you know it’s going to be the last. I did not know how to put "thank you’s", and "I love you’s", and I’m sorry’s" altogether to give justice as to what my mom truly deserves. But I had to, because I was literally running out of time. It was painful and difficult all at the same time.

This agonizing emotion truly belongs to someone who is about to die, for no one CAN survive after this.

Darkness.

Light.

And then I woke up…

… and realized how much blessing it is indeed to be alive and breathing still.

I thanked God for my mom, which is by far the best thing that ever happened to me, and forever will be.

I thank God for letting me have these dreams, they make such good realizations of what we have been taking for granted in real life.

Life is precious, life is a gift. Let us make the most out of it while we still can.

Life is a one time big time, let’s make ours count!

Kiss and hug your moms for me =)