It was a weird and disturbing Wednesday.
It was raining outside. I was inside a mall by myself. I felt sick, weak and like throwing up. I think I had too much to eat that day. Or maybe because I lacked sleep. When I don't get enough sleep, I couldn't eat well. I've been like this for the past two weeks, and it's sad. I get allergies now more than ever. I know something's wrong with my body.
Back to the story.
I couldn't walk anymore. I'd stay inside a restaurant, but what to order? I don't want to think. I couldn't think.
A sea of people. Someone touches my shoulder from behind. Everything around me stopped. Silence drowned the chattering people. It was a weird sensation, I was prepared to see the Virgin Mary in front of me. In slow motion, I looked back to see who's responsible for all of this. A girl handed me a letter.
SCAM. Fuck. Putangina! I clenched my wrist and I was about to hit this girl.
Flashback. Stories of being hypnotized by strangers and end up being robbed.
The girl was now in front of me. I tried to avoid her eyes. I was successful. I gently pushed her away and walked as fast as I could.
Until now, I'm thinking of her. Not because I feel sorry, but because her touch bothered me. The eerie sensation is still in my body. I couldn't help it. I had to write this down. Just to get it all out.
Christmas is near. People are crazy for money.
While driving along Cubao, two street boys cornered a taxi waiting for the stoplight to go green. I was behind the cab. The boy by the passenger's seat window was knocking asking for alms. On the other hand, the other kid tries to open the driver's door and grabs whatever he could from the driver's dashboard. As it turns out, the kid begging for alms was distracting the driver. Lights turn green, but the cab and I didn't make it to the intersection. A new pair arrives and does the same to the driver. Now I was scared.
Ano kayang iniisip ng driver ngayon? Takot? Galit? And were the kids able to get anything from the driver?
Christmases are supposed to be about love and Jesus and merriment and gifts and thankfulness. These poor people puts a bad reputation to it. So don't hate me when I don't give to the poor or mock them, I've had my taste of being robbed several times. Laptop, wallet, iPod, cellphone and whathaveyou. I've got enough angst to last a lifetime. Nothing wrong with being poor, it's how you work for a living that bothers me.
Kung ako naging mahirap, I won't steal. I'd be a jeepney barker, a farmer, or a janitor. But I won't steal from other people. I won't blame the rich for my misfortunes. That's just me.
Sa bagay, may mga milyonaryo nga diyan na nagnanakaw pa din eh. Yun nga lang, mas professional sila, hindi sa kalsada ang raket nila, sa opisina.
Happy barangay elecetions people!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
A letter to my health
Dear health,
I will take very good care of you for the rest of my life. I’m sure you’re jumping with glee with the food I’m taking in, see photos? I may smoke at times, I’m sorry. I may drink too, at times, I’m sorry. I’m stressed at work and sometimes sleep deprived.
But I need the money to buy these treats for you. HAHAAH! SUHOL.
We’ll go a long way in this direction. You and me.
Let’s go century! ahahah!
Love, Wado. (your boss)
Nightmares tonight
It's 3am and I'm still up. Yes, I tried sleeping, as a matter of fact, I'm tired and exhausted. I could really use some sleep. But I've been escaping nightmares three times for the past two hours. So while they are still fresh in my memory, I will write about them.
I was inside a dormitory, an officemate was on the bed across the room. He's a closet gay officemate who's been hitting on me for the past few months. People at the office really thinks he's gay, but he's not giving in. He shared his story to me once, and now I have a deeper understanding of where he is coming from. But maybe because of that, he's becoming more and more aggressive to make a move on me.
Anyway, he was sleeping across the dark room. Lights from the street outside were peeping through the glass window. Silhouette. Night. I was sleepy, and so I tried sleeping. Had a bad dream, and woke up inside the same dark dormitory. My room mate was gone. Then someone suddenly grabbed me, I knew it was him. Big, hairy guy. I tried to push him away, he wouldn't budge. I pushed him a little more, but I was too weak for him. I realized it was a dream, I tried to bite my lips to wake up. Reality.
TV was still on. Aircon automatically sets to fan mode. Brother on the other bed. I was catching my breath. I assumed I wouldn't dream again after that, I was wrong.
Dream continues. I was inside the dorm, officemate is nowhere in sight. I said: "ayaw ko na matulog, baka bangungutin lang ulit ako." So I went outside my dorm. Ortigas. I was at MetroDorm. I stayed at MetroDorm for two months during my OJT at Regal Films and SAGA Events. I waited outside for a cab. Nothing.
A bald yuppie approached me and asked, "Taxi?"
I said yes.
He led me to a white car. Not a cab, but a car.
I was bothered. But I couldn't care more. I just wanted to be away from my officemate. We got off the driver's dorm. Pretty much similar to MetroDorm, but here, the lights were on. He led me inside, I don't know why I went in. But I did. I took the top bunk of the double decker, he was across the room, on the top bunk of another double decker bed.
I asked him what's wrong. NR. He looks Chinese, 30's, skinny. There was something wrong with his eyes, His left eye was shut, and his right eye was white. Weird. But I knew he was looking right at me, with pity. Like a friend wanting to get some answers from another friend, I asked him again, now in a more pleading note.
"Huy, anong problem?"
His facial reaction says "I'm sorry". My heart pounded again.
Someone from the bottom bunk grabs my leg and was pulling me down. I looked at the chinese guy again, and he was already looking away. He didn't want to see what was going to happen to me. I kicked. Once. Twice. I felt weak. I was crying.
And then it hit me, I am dreaming. I tried to wake myself up. Bit my lips, moved my shoulders.
Next thing I knew, I'm in front of my laptop, writing this entry.
What if I couldn't tell if it's already a dream in my next few dreams, will I be able to wake up from it? What if I give in?
The thought alone scares the hell out of me. But just like death, sleeping is inevitable. It's sad.
The only solid act which can get you rested has now gotten stress written all over it.
I was inside a dormitory, an officemate was on the bed across the room. He's a closet gay officemate who's been hitting on me for the past few months. People at the office really thinks he's gay, but he's not giving in. He shared his story to me once, and now I have a deeper understanding of where he is coming from. But maybe because of that, he's becoming more and more aggressive to make a move on me.
Anyway, he was sleeping across the dark room. Lights from the street outside were peeping through the glass window. Silhouette. Night. I was sleepy, and so I tried sleeping. Had a bad dream, and woke up inside the same dark dormitory. My room mate was gone. Then someone suddenly grabbed me, I knew it was him. Big, hairy guy. I tried to push him away, he wouldn't budge. I pushed him a little more, but I was too weak for him. I realized it was a dream, I tried to bite my lips to wake up. Reality.
TV was still on. Aircon automatically sets to fan mode. Brother on the other bed. I was catching my breath. I assumed I wouldn't dream again after that, I was wrong.
Dream continues. I was inside the dorm, officemate is nowhere in sight. I said: "ayaw ko na matulog, baka bangungutin lang ulit ako." So I went outside my dorm. Ortigas. I was at MetroDorm. I stayed at MetroDorm for two months during my OJT at Regal Films and SAGA Events. I waited outside for a cab. Nothing.
A bald yuppie approached me and asked, "Taxi?"
I said yes.
He led me to a white car. Not a cab, but a car.
I was bothered. But I couldn't care more. I just wanted to be away from my officemate. We got off the driver's dorm. Pretty much similar to MetroDorm, but here, the lights were on. He led me inside, I don't know why I went in. But I did. I took the top bunk of the double decker, he was across the room, on the top bunk of another double decker bed.
I asked him what's wrong. NR. He looks Chinese, 30's, skinny. There was something wrong with his eyes, His left eye was shut, and his right eye was white. Weird. But I knew he was looking right at me, with pity. Like a friend wanting to get some answers from another friend, I asked him again, now in a more pleading note.
"Huy, anong problem?"
His facial reaction says "I'm sorry". My heart pounded again.
Someone from the bottom bunk grabs my leg and was pulling me down. I looked at the chinese guy again, and he was already looking away. He didn't want to see what was going to happen to me. I kicked. Once. Twice. I felt weak. I was crying.
And then it hit me, I am dreaming. I tried to wake myself up. Bit my lips, moved my shoulders.
Next thing I knew, I'm in front of my laptop, writing this entry.
What if I couldn't tell if it's already a dream in my next few dreams, will I be able to wake up from it? What if I give in?
The thought alone scares the hell out of me. But just like death, sleeping is inevitable. It's sad.
The only solid act which can get you rested has now gotten stress written all over it.
Of death and decisions
Last night, I was at the hospital primarily to get my eyes checked. Red rashes circled my eyes, though they look more like freckles than rashes. I threw up twice in the event they showed up. I wasn't really feeling good that day, and these red spots got me paranoid.
As I was preparing to be diagnosed with dengue(preparing for the bigger picture), another family was dealing with a very difficult situation. A man in a comatose after a stroke.
Apparently, the family did not have enough money, and Makati Med is not the ideal place for them to be. Since it was the nearest hospital from where "tatay" was attacked, he was immediately rushed there unmindful of the expenses they're getting in to.
The doctor said that the operating room alone would cost P130,000. And the operation would range from P350,000 to P6000,000. Three veins are out, and blood is slowly flooding his brain. As the minute goes, so does his chance for survival.
After the operation, "tatay" would get a 50/50 chance of survival. If he makes it, the best possible condition for him would be a vegetable man relying on meds and machines to pump blood in his heart. Not quite the happy ending for a P600,000 operation.
Now the family was left with the choice of letting tatay undergo the operation and take care of him at the hospital for the rest of his machine-powered life, or to simply let go and accept the fact that there is nothing they could really do about it.
Death is inevitable, but doing nothing to escape it is another thing. Questions of morality arise. Are we prolonging his life or prolonging his agony?
Sure, tatay would rather die, but his family thinks otherwise. Hindi madali ang mawalan, lalo na kapag alam mong mawawala ito ng tuluyan.
Our driver had the same experience with his lola, and he was insisting that the family should give up on tatay.
"Ganyan din lola ko eh, pinabayaan na lang namin."
I thought that was selfish, but then he said some more..
"Hiniram lang naman natin ang buhay eh. Nagamit mo na naman mabuti, pag kinukuha na, ibalik mo ng kusa. Wag yung ganyang makikipag-agawan ka pa."
And then it hit me, everything is temporary.
Last night, I went home without doing anything about my allergies. I went back to my work at 1 in the morning, and left by 2am. I drove home from Makati with some serious thoughts running inside my head.
Tatay made decision-making easier for his family. He passed this morning.
If there's anything I would like to do, and I can do them now, I would take the opportunity and do them right away. Life is too short to wait on promises and forever. Life is today, make it count!
As I was preparing to be diagnosed with dengue(preparing for the bigger picture), another family was dealing with a very difficult situation. A man in a comatose after a stroke.
Apparently, the family did not have enough money, and Makati Med is not the ideal place for them to be. Since it was the nearest hospital from where "tatay" was attacked, he was immediately rushed there unmindful of the expenses they're getting in to.
The doctor said that the operating room alone would cost P130,000. And the operation would range from P350,000 to P6000,000. Three veins are out, and blood is slowly flooding his brain. As the minute goes, so does his chance for survival.
After the operation, "tatay" would get a 50/50 chance of survival. If he makes it, the best possible condition for him would be a vegetable man relying on meds and machines to pump blood in his heart. Not quite the happy ending for a P600,000 operation.
Now the family was left with the choice of letting tatay undergo the operation and take care of him at the hospital for the rest of his machine-powered life, or to simply let go and accept the fact that there is nothing they could really do about it.
Death is inevitable, but doing nothing to escape it is another thing. Questions of morality arise. Are we prolonging his life or prolonging his agony?
Sure, tatay would rather die, but his family thinks otherwise. Hindi madali ang mawalan, lalo na kapag alam mong mawawala ito ng tuluyan.
Our driver had the same experience with his lola, and he was insisting that the family should give up on tatay.
"Ganyan din lola ko eh, pinabayaan na lang namin."
I thought that was selfish, but then he said some more..
"Hiniram lang naman natin ang buhay eh. Nagamit mo na naman mabuti, pag kinukuha na, ibalik mo ng kusa. Wag yung ganyang makikipag-agawan ka pa."
And then it hit me, everything is temporary.
Last night, I went home without doing anything about my allergies. I went back to my work at 1 in the morning, and left by 2am. I drove home from Makati with some serious thoughts running inside my head.
Tatay made decision-making easier for his family. He passed this morning.
If there's anything I would like to do, and I can do them now, I would take the opportunity and do them right away. Life is too short to wait on promises and forever. Life is today, make it count!
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