An open e-mail.

Dear WSS,

Hindi umabot ang entry ko for the internship sa Singapore, closed na when I was able to send it. They will be having another one in August, still keeping my fingers crossed, pero ewan. So maybe that's the sign I was waiting for. Sige, let's talk pagdating mo dito. I am willing to work full-time naman. May plano na rin naman ako to resign from TV5. Di ko ma-feel yung growth. Stagnant. Dunno. Hindi continuous yung learning. Let's talk more about it when you get here, I can't wait for your insights. 

Any specific date ng dating mo? Para lang din mahanda ko yung shows na bibitawan ko. I'll be celebrating my birthday tomorrow, and I feel like I need a good kicking out of my comfort zone, explore. I will be working on my internship for Singapore still, but rest assured you have all my support, and I'll give all the time you need para maka-settle dito. =D Keep me posted!

 

Eduardo Tan Siman
Supervising Editor, TV5
0915-1274159

The talent of success is nothing more than doing what you can do, well.
---Henry W. Longfellow

#projectbringback fail

Today I realized that the more I try to bring back my past, the more I find myself disgusted with where I am right now. Maybe that's why it's IN the past, it's not meant to be repeated the exact same way, if it will only lead me to where I am right now, stuck in misery.

Nakakalungkot lang isipin na pagkatapos mong gawin lahat para mabalik ang bagay sa dati, lalo ka lang nadidisappoint. Siguro may stage sa buhay na talagang aabot ka sa ganito, yung pagod na itataas mo na lang ang dalawa mong mga kamay dahil gusto mo nang isuko sa Diyos ang lahat.

Ayaw ko nang ibalik ang dati, pagagandahin ko na lang kung ano ang meron ako ngayon.

Nakameeting ko kanina ang buong staff ng bago kong show, hindi ko gusto ang karamihan. Yung pakiramdam na parang nagtatrabaho ka an sa ABS CBN. Hindi na magaan yung usapan sa meeting, lahat may tensyon, alam mong pinag-uusapan ka ng ilan sa likod. Nakakapagpabagabag.

Ngayong linggong ito, may dalawang job opportunities na kumatok sa aking pinto. Isa sa Singapore, isa naman ay dito sa Pinas. I'll try to apply for an internship program sa SG, hope I can make it. Para maiwanan ko na ang "past" ko dito sa Pilipinas. Handa na akong magbukas ng panibagong pahina sa aklatan ng aking talambuhay.

Salamat #projectbringback, you gave me something to believe in. Hindi ka man naging successful, narealize ko naman na may mga bagay na sadyang hindi takda para sa isa't-isa. Masyado pang maaga para sumuko, pero gagawin ko ito para sa sarili ko.

Healed

A lot of people don't know this, but I am a cry baby. I just don't want to cry in front of people. I cried twice while watching Three Idiots, cried while watching the movie Rent, cried a river inside when I watched the play Next to Normal, I cry when I don't like what's happening, and people don't know it.

I must look really good when I cry. Lahat ng iniyakan kong tao, nagkakagusto sa akin. Si Joselle, si Ronald, si Ayie. Doon daw kasi nila nakikita ang totoong ako. Para sa isang taong iyakin tulad ko, hindi naman ito ganoon kaspecial. Sabi nga ni Ronald, kaya siya patay na patay sa akin, dahil umiyak ako sa kanya. Nakita daw niya na honest ako at nagtitiwala. Kung honest sa honest, napuno lang talaga ako nung araw nayon, at provoking ang kumag, kaya ako naiyak. Pikon din kasi ako.

I have tons of soft spots which people don't usually see. Kaya naman pag may problema sila, sa akin sila madalas tumatakbo. Hihingi ng payo, iiyak, maglalabas ng sama ng loob. May pros and cons din naman ito, this being tough outside and fluffy inside. Madali kang makibagay.

May kaibigan ako dati na laging magtetext kapag galit siya sa mundo.

"San ka?"

Bakit?

kabwiset itong si ___, kailangan ko lang ng kasama.

***

San ka?

Bahay, why?

Punta ako jan, kagigil dto sa office....

***

Mga walong ganyan niya, tapos nagtext ako sa kanya...

"Hihintayin ko ang araw na itetext mo ako dahil masaya ka."

***

After nun, puro I miss you na lang ang text niya sa akin. It's about time. Pagod na din kasi ako sa totoong buhay, sa kanya at sa sarili kong mga problema.

HEALED na pala ako.

Umattend kasi ako ng The Feast, kasama si mommy, Symon at Tita Ludy ko. Last day ng talk ni Bo about destinations, and journeys. So may healing afterwards. Sabi ni Bo Sanchez, pikit daw kami.

Inisa-isa niya yung mga problema ng tao.

"God knows about your financial problems" and so on.

Ang nasa utak ko lang nun, wala pa po akong destination, kaya hindi ko maenjoy ang travel. Kasi hindi ko alam kung saan ko gusto pumunta.

"Friend, if you want to savor life, you have to learn to enjoy the drive, not just the destination."

So hiniling ko, DESTINATION.

Biglang sinabi ni Bo, "God knows about your work problems." Tumulo ang luha ko, sa kanang mata. At biglang pumasok ang chorale sa chorus ng "I Surrender" na kanta. Pucha, kumanta ako habang nakapikit. Ninamnam ko yung intervention na doon ko lang naramdaman. Kilabot.

Dumukot ako ng 1k sa wallet ko, P300 na lang ang natira. Sabi ko, I surrender.

Niyakap ko si mommy, pati ang kapatid kong halos 5 years kong di kinakausap. It was a good day.

Feeling ko naman hindi pa ako totally healed. Sabi nga ni Bo,

"Healing your performance-oriented spirituality will take time. Everything takes time. But that's okay. Don't rush through this process. It can't be rushed anyway, even if you tried. Enjoy the drive."

Pinataas ni Bo ang kamay ng lahat ng single. Kumaway ako agad, yung iba, nahiya pa. It was a very interesting afternoon indeed.

Attend kayo ng The Feast, nakakatulong siya sa totoo lang. Sabi nga ng nanay ko, "Hindi man din ako nageenjoy sa misa, except dito lang, sa Feast. Ramdam mo yung dasal. Basta."

There you go.

#projectbringback

I want to do a self-serving project calle #projectbringback. It's the new me trying to bring back my old self, well at least the good parts.

I remember being very happy this time of year, I don't know what went wrong today. Though I've been trying to pinpoint the culprit, I can't. Maybe I've outgrown my job, or the feeling of happiness in what I do, so I don't feel as happy as I used to. So instead of pointing fingers, I'll simply try and bring myself back, the old happy me.

Hence, the #projectbringback.

I hope to be as happy as I was a year ago, and my birthday will be the time limit to gauge wether this project went well or not.

Eto pala mga posters na ginawa ko for IIBB.

Here's to a lifetime of happiness. CHEERS!