Vivid dream

A text from BJ woke me up from a really bad dream. It's an interesting text actually, one which involves words which don't usually make me laugh. but that's not what I'm going to write about, but my dream.

I never had good afternoon naps, (here's an old blog about my afternoon dreams)

http://thefeverisalive.blogspot.com/2009/06/i-woke-up-from-my-afternoon-sleep.html

and this afternoon was never different.

Before I went to sleep at 11:00 this morning, I had a lot of things in mind. But because I was really tired from work, and I have a 2pm mass to catch, I really need the sleep.

Dream begins.

I was at the editing room at TV5, two or three editors were there, busy editing. Judyjoy was inside the room as well. Judy looked at me and gave me a puzzled look.

"Yeah, super antok ako eh." I told her.

"Matulog ka kaya muna?"

"Sige."

So I looked for a vacant FCP table to sleep on. My chest begins to tighten. Now I was feeling dizzy. The editing room begins to blur, and then black.

I woke up in a dark room. A ray of light goes on and off giving me a distorted view of where I am. I was dizzier even more. I knew I was dreaming. I think this has something to do with that movie Inception where I was in a dream within a dream.

Inside the dark room, I was insisting that my reality was the editing room, not my bedroom. I wanted to wake up from the dark room to be inside the editing room. It's a fucked up dream.

The dark room was now pitchblack.

I tried to wake myself up by finding a wall inside the dark room. I extended my arms and walked forward hoping to bump into a wall or something. I pinched my hand, struggled for air, and pinched a little more. I couldn't wake up.

I now acknowledge that the reality is my bedroom, not the editing room. I see a blurred image of the wall inside my room, and my hands are pushing against it.

1...2...3...push. My hands were not moving.

1...2...3...another attempt. My body was still sleeping, and my brain was awake. This concept freaked me out. Now I really wanted to wake up.

A beep from my phone. 1...2. I'm up. I gasped for air. I looked at the clock, 11:15. It's only been fifteen minutes. It seemed hours back in there.

That's BJ's text message, the green one. I read it and forgot about my dream for a second. I thought it saved my life.

***

I moved on with the rest of the day pinching myself. I had to make sure I was awake. Inside the car, inside the church, this was real. Though the succeeding events in my reality seemed like a parcel of the nightmare. Everything was blurry, and everything was lonely.

Now I've been asking myself what dreams are really made of? Sad emotions? Grudges?

***

I told my mom about my dream, and now I regret it. She started a series of "do's and don'ts". Like eating too much, stressing myself too much with work, thinking too much. The work offer came up again, now with an even bigger bearing.

She said I've been thinking too much. Guilty. But I haven't been thinking about things that will exercise the brain, but things which can affect emotions in unimaginable ways.

This week will be for me. I will make sure it's mine. I won't think of anybody else but me. I'm the last person to be trusted this week, I will be carefree, I will be free. I will do this for me. No more nightmares please? I'll take good care of you my body, so please, bear with me. This week, it'll be just you and me.