Well, for the past couple of days, I've been through a lot, mentally. Iniisip ko kung ano ba talaga ang purpose ko sa buhay. When I thought I had the perfect family, isa-isang lalabas ang problema. Akala ko, okay na ang decision-making processes ko sa buhay, biglang may sasablay.
Kahit hindi ako panganay, I feel the burden of putting my family together. Everytime umuuwi ako ng Lucena, I have to find ways para may family time kami lagi. Like eating breakfast together, going on a family trip, kahit videoke time, pinapatulan ko minsan, para lang may ginagawa kami as a family.
I miss the times when we would sit as a family, sa QC circle, then mag-bike, eat sandwiches. Gumigising kami ng maaga para sa picnic na yun. How I wish life for us would be as simple as before. Pero ngayong madami na kaming alam, yung involvement ko bilang anak, grows deeper. Now I'm facing responsibilities na hindi ko kayang paghandaan.
Minsan, gusto ko na lang magpakalayo sa pamilya ko. Sa ibang bansa sana. To show how much I love them. That I don't want to see them go about things this way. Ang mga bagay na pinoproblema nila, tinatawanan ko lang kapag sa akin nangyari. I hate to put words into my family's mouth, pero sa tingin ko iyon ang kailangan nila, to understand how simple it is to find happiness.
People ask me, bakit hindi nila ako nakikitang umiyak sa mga problema? Bakit madaming lumalapit sa akin to share their stories, iiyak sa akin sa telepono, dahil alam siguro nila na I won't be crying with them. Instead, I'll listen. Calm enough to give an advice. Nakakagulat, na ang mga lalaking hindi ko inaakalang iiyak, in the middle of the night, they'd call me and cry about their problems.
Paranoid ako sa madaming bagay. I couldn't leave a knife on top of a table, wet floor, candles burning in the middle of the night. madami akong kinatatakutan, because I see things in their worst state possible.
Hindi ko alam kung nakakatulong ito sa pakikitungo ko sa tao, pero alam ko na kapag dumating ang oras na iyon, hindi ko masasabing hindi ako handa.
I wouldn't wish on anyone a thought parallel to mine. Nakakapraning. But on the one hand, mas ginugusto kong i-live ang life to the fullest, dahil anytime, maaaring hindi mo na ito magawa at all.
I fear for my little brother though. Dahil sa 16? years of existence niya sa mundo, hindi ko pa siya nararamdaman. In my full geared effort to be a big brother to him, hindi ko maramdaman ang reciprocated feeling. Nakakapagod mag reach-out, lalo na kapag hindi naman niya inaabot ang kamay mo. Frustrating. Gusto ko siyang maging ka-close, pero circumstances make it difficult for the both of us. Konti na lang, para na siyang si dad.
I don't want sympathy from people. It's bad enough that I have to deal with the most difficult people in the world, and it's even worse that they are family. Kung hindi ko sila pamilya, mas madaling umiwas. This family suffered from too much love. Not knowing when is the right time to give back, beg, and offer unconditional love. Dahil mahal namin ang isa't-isa, hindi mapansin ang mali. Dahil sobrang mahal namin ang isa't-isa, kinakailangan ng mahigpit na disiplina.
It's ironic na sa ganitong klaseng love ako lumaki, and yet, the love I'm giving away is unconditional. Yun nga lang, nagtitira ako para sa sarili. Kaya siguro ako masaya, by myself. But then again, will I find true happiness if the people I love are sad? Maybe not. Maybe never. Dahil alam kong hindi lahat ng tao, optimistic. Madaming pabigat, madaming whiny, madaming mareklamo. But as long as may natitira akong happiness sa sarili ko, I think I can manage.
*I'll give myself a good pat in the back for this. =)
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