Lovelife post, here we go

In front of me stands the greatest love story I ever told.

Beside me lies the choice I made, breathing air and hearts together.

From afar gazes the hope that someday I will forgo,

this loneliness which speaks of love forgotten, and love retold.

I will come back for you my precious one,

until my heart says go, enough of this tango

until the wind says pain is inevitable

or until my will says go, and my heart says go...go on.

Vivid dream

A text from BJ woke me up from a really bad dream. It's an interesting text actually, one which involves words which don't usually make me laugh. but that's not what I'm going to write about, but my dream.

I never had good afternoon naps, (here's an old blog about my afternoon dreams)

http://thefeverisalive.blogspot.com/2009/06/i-woke-up-from-my-afternoon-sleep.html

and this afternoon was never different.

Before I went to sleep at 11:00 this morning, I had a lot of things in mind. But because I was really tired from work, and I have a 2pm mass to catch, I really need the sleep.

Dream begins.

I was at the editing room at TV5, two or three editors were there, busy editing. Judyjoy was inside the room as well. Judy looked at me and gave me a puzzled look.

"Yeah, super antok ako eh." I told her.

"Matulog ka kaya muna?"

"Sige."

So I looked for a vacant FCP table to sleep on. My chest begins to tighten. Now I was feeling dizzy. The editing room begins to blur, and then black.

I woke up in a dark room. A ray of light goes on and off giving me a distorted view of where I am. I was dizzier even more. I knew I was dreaming. I think this has something to do with that movie Inception where I was in a dream within a dream.

Inside the dark room, I was insisting that my reality was the editing room, not my bedroom. I wanted to wake up from the dark room to be inside the editing room. It's a fucked up dream.

The dark room was now pitchblack.

I tried to wake myself up by finding a wall inside the dark room. I extended my arms and walked forward hoping to bump into a wall or something. I pinched my hand, struggled for air, and pinched a little more. I couldn't wake up.

I now acknowledge that the reality is my bedroom, not the editing room. I see a blurred image of the wall inside my room, and my hands are pushing against it.

1...2...3...push. My hands were not moving.

1...2...3...another attempt. My body was still sleeping, and my brain was awake. This concept freaked me out. Now I really wanted to wake up.

A beep from my phone. 1...2. I'm up. I gasped for air. I looked at the clock, 11:15. It's only been fifteen minutes. It seemed hours back in there.

That's BJ's text message, the green one. I read it and forgot about my dream for a second. I thought it saved my life.

***

I moved on with the rest of the day pinching myself. I had to make sure I was awake. Inside the car, inside the church, this was real. Though the succeeding events in my reality seemed like a parcel of the nightmare. Everything was blurry, and everything was lonely.

Now I've been asking myself what dreams are really made of? Sad emotions? Grudges?

***

I told my mom about my dream, and now I regret it. She started a series of "do's and don'ts". Like eating too much, stressing myself too much with work, thinking too much. The work offer came up again, now with an even bigger bearing.

She said I've been thinking too much. Guilty. But I haven't been thinking about things that will exercise the brain, but things which can affect emotions in unimaginable ways.

This week will be for me. I will make sure it's mine. I won't think of anybody else but me. I'm the last person to be trusted this week, I will be carefree, I will be free. I will do this for me. No more nightmares please? I'll take good care of you my body, so please, bear with me. This week, it'll be just you and me.

Adjusting Sails

Well, it's been weeks since I last cried because of work. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I guess decisions are due.

I have undergone the most intensive decision-making stage in my life, and guess what?

Hahaha. Kidding! I'm making no sense, just trying out my new C3 Nokia with it's wifi features. Well if you can read this, then I guess it's working pretty damn well.

World Stage camp reunion is in a few days, can't wait to see the kids again!

Not today, thank you. Bye.

I'm supposed to be at Angie's place right now, celebrating her birthday with some friends. But I'm trapped home, because of the rain.

I went to the gym for the 12noon Body Combat, but I had to call my suppliers for some technical changes brought by the CCO team. Despite my four-day advanced reservations, I had to adjust everything because of them. They took most of my equipments not because they need it more than we do, but because they have to? For that, I hate their show. Inaapektuhan ng ngarag ang relax.

I mean, why make schedules a day before the shoot? For some reason, I find it very unprofessional.

Yesterday, at around 9pm, hiningian ako ng P2 cards for today's EFP shoot na akala kong hindi na tuloy. Gulatan. Pero dahil trabaho ko ito, sige lang. Today I found out, hindi pala P2 cards ang kailangan. Nafrustrate na lang ako sa sitwasyon. Ako na lang sana ang pumunta sa EFP para wala nang ibang nadamay.

This coming week, I'll be facing another crucial decision-making. Career.

My mom offered me a job which I think pays better and demands less. Tagapagmana ng family business. Iniyak ko sa isang kaibigan last Friday ang mga nararamdaman ko tungkol dito, but it's a lopsided match before it even began. Running the family business is a win-win situation.

My mom would be very happy that I'm helping the family in more ways than just financially.

Mom could take her long overdue vacations abroad.

Someone from the family would continue the family business.

I hold my time- Sleep properly.

I am my own boss.

I can take care of myself and my mom as well.


CONS:

The job's in Lucena.

But here's the thing, my mom will be opening a branch in Laguna soon and hopefully Manila--- So there's no reason why I should fret being away from the Metro. My good friend Reynard and Tutch are also willing to lend a hand with all the renovation process, aka my new business partner/s. I'd still be working with friends, so the working environment will not undergo drastic changes.

But I cry, though I don't really love my work. Letting go of something I worked hard on is difficult, no matter how much I love or hate it.

I'll go home to Lucena this weekend to check on the family business. I'll start from there. If this is the new life waiting for me, I do hope it welcomes me with open arms and warm embraces.

(Very) Post Production Assistant

I was invited to P.A. for this very huge PO5 event. For those of you who do not know what PO5 is, it's the Party Pilipinas counterpart of TV5. I was requested to bcome the tech production assistant. Since I've mastered the craft already, I easily said yes.

Come the following day:

Wado, eto mga service mo...

Wado, here's 45,000, your budget for food, payment for your jobbers....

Wado, here's your list of suppliers...

Wado, liquidate these expenses...

Wado, pay your jobbers and talents na...

Wado, call this, call her, call him...

Wado, where are the scripts?...

Wado, make an idiot board. "But it's 3am?". T.T "K"

Wado, call the caterer. Here's their number...

***

Of the many things listed above, only one counts as tech PA, and that is to call the suppliers and pullout the equipments from the station.

Working with a very whole new team is something different and exciting all the same. You adjust with very difficult people in a very fast pace. Unlike my other shows in TV5, I work with a group which I'd like to call my family now. Working at PO5 made me realize that.

Thanks to the people who made work easier for me, Ms. Chu, EP Omar, Mr. Fu, Kuya Jorge, Ms. Yvette and the friendly crew.

Now, I know what I am capable of doing. kaya ko na humawak ng show. AHAHAHAHA! Feelingero. Pero kung budget lang ang iintindihin, at yun lang alone, madali lang. Problema lang kasi sa isang show, pag PA ka, kahit trabaho ng iba, sayo ipapagawa. Well, we always have to start somewhere. But it makes me really sad whenever I teleprompt. It's not a real job, and I know I'm better than that.

Hindi ko tuloy alam kung ano ba ang goal ko sa TV production. Sa pace ko kasi ngayon, ang pagiging producer ang ultimate dream. And I don't want that. Looking at my work, i couldn't help but ask myself, "Direk, are you on the right path?"

My dad scolded me the other day for working three straight days with very two-hour sleeps. Like my mom, he hated my work. I don't technically love my work, but I'm not hating it the way they do. Hence, I couldn't defend my work yet. I don't have good enough reasons to fight for it.




Salamat sa PO5 experience, I'm on a whole new level at work.