Tanggap ko na na I'll never have the dream family I've always wanted. Magulo na din kasi ang pamilya namin to begin with. Kumbaga, basag na yung preset. We'll never have a family picture na lahat genuine yung ngiti. Pinangarap ko yun, pero mukhang malabo na talaga.
Ganito din siguro yung pakiramdam nung mga namamatayan ng nanay habang pinapanganak sila, yung palaging may kulang. yung mga magulang na OFW, yung mga may special child sa pamilya. Kulang. Kaya naman sinisikap kong hanapin ang positive side sa pamilya namin.
We'll get through this. Sana by that time na okay na, hindi pa huli ang lahat.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
My careful mom
I had the most heartbreaking conversation with mom the other day, I told her I was tired of talking to her. At that moment, yes I was, but I know I never really meant that. I said it because that's how I felt at that moment. I was honest for a moment, but the seconds that followed it weren't.
Mom stopped listening to my suggestions about IIBB. She insisted her ways, na dapat ganito, dapat ganon. So I let her decide. Hindi na ako nakialam. But the thing is, she'd nag about how IIBB needs a warmer interior, a more organized food traffic and all, hence, all my suggestions. But once I bring them up again, she'll only push my ideas away. This went on for three cycles, and I got tired.
I told her, "hindi ako kalaban, so stop pushing my suggestions away. Kung ayaw mo, stop asking for my opinion. You don't have to prove me wrong all the time. Wala ka namang dapat patunayan sa akin."
We always fight whenever we talk about our resto, nakakalungkot. So whenever she talks about IIBB, I do not answer, at all. This became effective for the first couple of days. We stopped fighting. But also, we stopped talking.
Then came the awkward goodbye kisses, the silence during breakfast, the late night concerned text messages disappeared too. This became too depressing. Just to get away from it all, I always leave the house early in the morning, and come back late at night. Most of the time, I am busy at work. Sometimes, I ask my friends out. Just to get away from it all.
Now I'm slowly realizing where this brought us. I seriously love my mom, and I really don't want us fighting. We've both been very hard on the situation, on each other, that it made us grow apart. This morning, I felt her effort once more.
"Kain ka. May nabili akong tinapay sa Centris, mahal pero masarap."
Busog pa ako.
And then she ate the bread in front of me, while watching tv.
"Anong palaman?"
Butter. -sagot niya.
Ah, ok. And I returned to Facebook. After a few seconds,
"Ano ba gusto mo palaman? Igagawa kita."
"Wala naman..."
Ten seconds.
I stood up and went to the kitchen, grabbed a cup of coffee and bread, butter.
"Igagawa kita ng palaman, anong gusto mo? Spam?"
"Okay na butter."
And then she sat, as if inviting me to sit down too.
We tried talking. As we went on, I was all "baby steps" inside my head.
I went to mass without her.
I am praying that we'll get through this awkward phase. I miss my mom.
Tomorrow is another chance for me to make up for our lost moments the past week. We'll pay our condo debts, and probably have lunch together. I hope this works for the best!
Mom stopped listening to my suggestions about IIBB. She insisted her ways, na dapat ganito, dapat ganon. So I let her decide. Hindi na ako nakialam. But the thing is, she'd nag about how IIBB needs a warmer interior, a more organized food traffic and all, hence, all my suggestions. But once I bring them up again, she'll only push my ideas away. This went on for three cycles, and I got tired.
I told her, "hindi ako kalaban, so stop pushing my suggestions away. Kung ayaw mo, stop asking for my opinion. You don't have to prove me wrong all the time. Wala ka namang dapat patunayan sa akin."
We always fight whenever we talk about our resto, nakakalungkot. So whenever she talks about IIBB, I do not answer, at all. This became effective for the first couple of days. We stopped fighting. But also, we stopped talking.
Then came the awkward goodbye kisses, the silence during breakfast, the late night concerned text messages disappeared too. This became too depressing. Just to get away from it all, I always leave the house early in the morning, and come back late at night. Most of the time, I am busy at work. Sometimes, I ask my friends out. Just to get away from it all.
Now I'm slowly realizing where this brought us. I seriously love my mom, and I really don't want us fighting. We've both been very hard on the situation, on each other, that it made us grow apart. This morning, I felt her effort once more.
"Kain ka. May nabili akong tinapay sa Centris, mahal pero masarap."
Busog pa ako.
And then she ate the bread in front of me, while watching tv.
"Anong palaman?"
Butter. -sagot niya.
Ah, ok. And I returned to Facebook. After a few seconds,
"Ano ba gusto mo palaman? Igagawa kita."
"Wala naman..."
Ten seconds.
I stood up and went to the kitchen, grabbed a cup of coffee and bread, butter.
"Igagawa kita ng palaman, anong gusto mo? Spam?"
"Okay na butter."
And then she sat, as if inviting me to sit down too.
We tried talking. As we went on, I was all "baby steps" inside my head.
I went to mass without her.
I am praying that we'll get through this awkward phase. I miss my mom.
Tomorrow is another chance for me to make up for our lost moments the past week. We'll pay our condo debts, and probably have lunch together. I hope this works for the best!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
My not-so-busy January
Medyo naging busy ako nitong January, anjan yung pagpunta ng Gellicious sa IIBB para i-feature, anjan din yung wedding proposal ni Aldwin na inasikaso namin, anjan din yung pagbili ko ng 60D na Canon, anjan din yung pagkawala ng isa kong show na Hey It's Saberdey.
Extremes ang mga nangyayari, kaya hindi ko din alam kung paano sasabayan ang mga bagay-bagay. I'm close to being broke dahil sa camera na binili ko. Malaki na din ang utang ko sa credit card dahil sa booking na ginawa ko for Thailand. Sinisingil na din ako ng mom ko para sa condo namin worth P20,000. That's only half of the payment. Hati daw kami dahil ako ang may pinakamalaking sweldo sa pamilya.
Nasabayan ko naman ang mga kaganapan sa buhay. I once again tracked my spending pattern, nabalik ko na siya sa P3,000-P4,000 a week. Kung ganito na ako dati pa lang, malaki na din sana ang naipon ko.
Looking back, I don't think I would have done things differently. Masaya ako sa 2011 ko, nagawa ko lahat ng gusto ko, nabili ang mga luho, napasaya ang mga taong mahal ko, I was really happy. Pero may bago yatang lessong hatid ang 2012, nakakatakot na nakaka-excite.
Postponed ang plano ko mag Singapore dahil naghigpit na daw sila doon sa mga Filipino workers. Kaya naman tinatiyaga ko pa rin ang nag-iisang show ko sa TV5, ang Celebrity Samurai, kahit ayaw ko na yung ginagawa ko, ang pagiging Supervising Editor.
Now that I'm thinking about it, kung mag-apply kaya ako sa isang kompanya na may editing, o naghahanap ng editor? Gusto ko na din kasi ng mas malaking sweldo. Dahil for the longest time, malaki ang kinikita ko, natatakot ako sa paparating na months na isang show na lang ang papasok sa cash card ko. Scary, pero mukhang kakayanin ko naman.
Again, hindi ko na naman alam ang gusto ko. Pero ramdam kong I'm meant for something big. Gusto ko sanang malaman na kung ano yun, para kahit papaano, napaghahandaan ko na siya.
Isa lang ang nasa isip ko ngayon, ang pagpunta ko ng Thailand this February.
Here's to that surprising January! Cheers!
Extremes ang mga nangyayari, kaya hindi ko din alam kung paano sasabayan ang mga bagay-bagay. I'm close to being broke dahil sa camera na binili ko. Malaki na din ang utang ko sa credit card dahil sa booking na ginawa ko for Thailand. Sinisingil na din ako ng mom ko para sa condo namin worth P20,000. That's only half of the payment. Hati daw kami dahil ako ang may pinakamalaking sweldo sa pamilya.
Nasabayan ko naman ang mga kaganapan sa buhay. I once again tracked my spending pattern, nabalik ko na siya sa P3,000-P4,000 a week. Kung ganito na ako dati pa lang, malaki na din sana ang naipon ko.
Looking back, I don't think I would have done things differently. Masaya ako sa 2011 ko, nagawa ko lahat ng gusto ko, nabili ang mga luho, napasaya ang mga taong mahal ko, I was really happy. Pero may bago yatang lessong hatid ang 2012, nakakatakot na nakaka-excite.
Postponed ang plano ko mag Singapore dahil naghigpit na daw sila doon sa mga Filipino workers. Kaya naman tinatiyaga ko pa rin ang nag-iisang show ko sa TV5, ang Celebrity Samurai, kahit ayaw ko na yung ginagawa ko, ang pagiging Supervising Editor.
Now that I'm thinking about it, kung mag-apply kaya ako sa isang kompanya na may editing, o naghahanap ng editor? Gusto ko na din kasi ng mas malaking sweldo. Dahil for the longest time, malaki ang kinikita ko, natatakot ako sa paparating na months na isang show na lang ang papasok sa cash card ko. Scary, pero mukhang kakayanin ko naman.
Again, hindi ko na naman alam ang gusto ko. Pero ramdam kong I'm meant for something big. Gusto ko sanang malaman na kung ano yun, para kahit papaano, napaghahandaan ko na siya.
Isa lang ang nasa isip ko ngayon, ang pagpunta ko ng Thailand this February.
Here's to that surprising January! Cheers!
Monday, January 2, 2012
2012: End of the World Goals
Bagamat ayaw kong maniwala sa end of the world, at the back of my mind, nandun pa din yung thought na baka, totoo nga, na baka magugunaw na nga ang mundo. January 1 pa lang kasi ng taong ito, lumindol na sa Japan, bago matapos ang 2011, may bagyong dumating. Nakakapraning, pero at the same time, nakakamotivate. Motivation para gawin ang mga bagay na takot kang gawin.
Parang yung pelikula na The Last Holiday ni Queen Latifah. Buong buhay niya, dinedeprive niya yung sarili niya a mga baga na gusto niya dahil gusto nyang mabuhay ng mas matagal. One day she found out na may sakit siya, at malapit ng mamatay. Ayun, sa last three weeks niya, ginawa niya lahat ng gusto niyang gawin, lived life to the fullest only to find out na wala naman pala talaga siyang sakit. Pero nagawa niya lahat ng gusto niya. Sana ganun tayo lahat katapang, kahit walang taning. Yun kasi yung nagiging problema natin, we are motivated by fear. Kikilos lang tayo kapag ayaw natin ang consequences. Seldom lang ang gumagawa ng isang bagay dahil goal niya ito. Weird diba?
Assuming na matatapos na nga ang mundo by December this year, gusto kong gumawa ng list of goals. Medyo borne out of fear din siya dahil sa end of the world, pero kung matapos man ang mundo o hindi, at least nagawa ko ang mga ito. Ready?
1. Get a Canon 60D
Gusto ko talaga ng isang magandang camera. Naniniwala ako na mas matatago ko yung mga magagandang memories ng buhay ko through a good camera. Mas gusto ko sanang magfocus sa videos kesa sa photos. Nasa storage room pa din ng puso ko ang pagiging isang director, hindi ko na lang masyado pinapansin. Bigyan natin ng second chance.
2. One week in Brazil
Weird, pero sobrang in-love ako sa lugar na ito. Yung culture, yung tao. Okay, wala pala naman akong masyadong alam sa culture nila, pero sa dami ng napanood kong pelikula noong 2011, a lot of them featured Brazil. Fast Five, Rio, One Day, at may dalawa pa na hindi ko na maalala. Brazil is my new Paris.
3. Earn my 300k
naging matagumpay ang P100k ko noong 2011, kaya naman oras na para itaas ito sa susunod na level. Times three. Hahaha! I might go looking for a better job, o kaya naman a better paying job title sa TV5. Hindi ko pa alam ang gusto kong mangyari sa future. Dahil postponed ang lipad ko papuntang Singapore dahil naghigpit sila doon, I'll enjoy what I have sa ngayon. 2012 is my year dahil year of the dragon ako, kaya naman sobrang positive ko na yayman at magiging successful ako ngayong taon.
4. Take my mom to UK for Christmas
Dahil nandun na nagtatrabaho ang ate ko, gusto kong maexperience ni ma ang pasko sa ibang bansa. Lagi niya akong nilalambing about it, ang bilhan ko siya ng ticket to UK. P50k lang naman per head. Kaya naman kailangan ko talagang magtipid ngayong taon para matupad ang mga pangarap kong ito. Kumuha ng maraming racket sa labas, get more work hangga't kaya. Sana may mag-offer ng master editor position sa isang simpleng show, yung walang graphics, walang animation masyado. ahahah!
5. Become a master editor
I've been a Supervising Editor for more than a year now, at pakiramdam ko naman ay kaya ko na ang maging isang master editor. Malaki ang sweldo nila, at pagod na ako kaka-instruct lang kung anong treatment ang gagawin para sa show. Gusto ko naman ako ang maglilinis ng timeline, feeling ko mas nakakadisiplina. Gusto ko maging organized ulit. At ang pagiging isang master editor ang solusyon ko dito.
6. Quit smoking
I've been trying. Halos naging successful ako nung bumili ako ng Vape, the e-cigarette. But when someone stole my battery and charger, I was disheartened. Balik yosi ulit ako, but believe you me, I'm trying me best to quit. I think I'm going to be successful this year.
7. Get a beautiful body
Don't we all wish for this one? Well, I have the right motivations this year, at least for now. I will quit eating like a pig and start living healthy. Medyo nakakapagod din yung bili ka ng bili ng damit dahil hindi na kasya sa iyo yung existing clothes mo. Akala ko arte lang ng mga babae yung theirs pants don't fit anymore, and it frustrates them. Totoo palang nakakafrustrate. At totoo palang basehan ng taba ang pants fitting. Ahahah! Thank you for this lesson universe, well taught!
8. Baking business
I got a cool baking set from Joselle for Christmas, and I really want to take baking seriously. Kahit sideline lang. I want an operational baking career by June this year. I also want to be able to bake for my family. Parang sweet kasi, lalo na kapag birthday ng isa sa amin.
9. Make a short film entry to any contest
I have tons of scripts waiting to be written. My favorites are the "Sa Muling Pag-alon, Playa Resort, at My Name is Clyde." I need a producer, actors, director, production staff!
10. Finally, to live my dream as a husband
17 months ko na itong pinaplano, at seryoso ako sa gusto ko nang tumira sa isang bahay kasama mo. Magkaroon ng anak, garden, BBQ grill sa garden, dalwang aso, a nice big kitchen, ikaw.
Let's do this 2012!!!!!
Parang yung pelikula na The Last Holiday ni Queen Latifah. Buong buhay niya, dinedeprive niya yung sarili niya a mga baga na gusto niya dahil gusto nyang mabuhay ng mas matagal. One day she found out na may sakit siya, at malapit ng mamatay. Ayun, sa last three weeks niya, ginawa niya lahat ng gusto niyang gawin, lived life to the fullest only to find out na wala naman pala talaga siyang sakit. Pero nagawa niya lahat ng gusto niya. Sana ganun tayo lahat katapang, kahit walang taning. Yun kasi yung nagiging problema natin, we are motivated by fear. Kikilos lang tayo kapag ayaw natin ang consequences. Seldom lang ang gumagawa ng isang bagay dahil goal niya ito. Weird diba?
Assuming na matatapos na nga ang mundo by December this year, gusto kong gumawa ng list of goals. Medyo borne out of fear din siya dahil sa end of the world, pero kung matapos man ang mundo o hindi, at least nagawa ko ang mga ito. Ready?
1. Get a Canon 60D
Gusto ko talaga ng isang magandang camera. Naniniwala ako na mas matatago ko yung mga magagandang memories ng buhay ko through a good camera. Mas gusto ko sanang magfocus sa videos kesa sa photos. Nasa storage room pa din ng puso ko ang pagiging isang director, hindi ko na lang masyado pinapansin. Bigyan natin ng second chance.
2. One week in Brazil
Weird, pero sobrang in-love ako sa lugar na ito. Yung culture, yung tao. Okay, wala pala naman akong masyadong alam sa culture nila, pero sa dami ng napanood kong pelikula noong 2011, a lot of them featured Brazil. Fast Five, Rio, One Day, at may dalawa pa na hindi ko na maalala. Brazil is my new Paris.
3. Earn my 300k
naging matagumpay ang P100k ko noong 2011, kaya naman oras na para itaas ito sa susunod na level. Times three. Hahaha! I might go looking for a better job, o kaya naman a better paying job title sa TV5. Hindi ko pa alam ang gusto kong mangyari sa future. Dahil postponed ang lipad ko papuntang Singapore dahil naghigpit sila doon, I'll enjoy what I have sa ngayon. 2012 is my year dahil year of the dragon ako, kaya naman sobrang positive ko na yayman at magiging successful ako ngayong taon.
4. Take my mom to UK for Christmas
Dahil nandun na nagtatrabaho ang ate ko, gusto kong maexperience ni ma ang pasko sa ibang bansa. Lagi niya akong nilalambing about it, ang bilhan ko siya ng ticket to UK. P50k lang naman per head. Kaya naman kailangan ko talagang magtipid ngayong taon para matupad ang mga pangarap kong ito. Kumuha ng maraming racket sa labas, get more work hangga't kaya. Sana may mag-offer ng master editor position sa isang simpleng show, yung walang graphics, walang animation masyado. ahahah!
5. Become a master editor
I've been a Supervising Editor for more than a year now, at pakiramdam ko naman ay kaya ko na ang maging isang master editor. Malaki ang sweldo nila, at pagod na ako kaka-instruct lang kung anong treatment ang gagawin para sa show. Gusto ko naman ako ang maglilinis ng timeline, feeling ko mas nakakadisiplina. Gusto ko maging organized ulit. At ang pagiging isang master editor ang solusyon ko dito.
6. Quit smoking
I've been trying. Halos naging successful ako nung bumili ako ng Vape, the e-cigarette. But when someone stole my battery and charger, I was disheartened. Balik yosi ulit ako, but believe you me, I'm trying me best to quit. I think I'm going to be successful this year.
7. Get a beautiful body
Don't we all wish for this one? Well, I have the right motivations this year, at least for now. I will quit eating like a pig and start living healthy. Medyo nakakapagod din yung bili ka ng bili ng damit dahil hindi na kasya sa iyo yung existing clothes mo. Akala ko arte lang ng mga babae yung theirs pants don't fit anymore, and it frustrates them. Totoo palang nakakafrustrate. At totoo palang basehan ng taba ang pants fitting. Ahahah! Thank you for this lesson universe, well taught!
8. Baking business
I got a cool baking set from Joselle for Christmas, and I really want to take baking seriously. Kahit sideline lang. I want an operational baking career by June this year. I also want to be able to bake for my family. Parang sweet kasi, lalo na kapag birthday ng isa sa amin.
9. Make a short film entry to any contest
I have tons of scripts waiting to be written. My favorites are the "Sa Muling Pag-alon, Playa Resort, at My Name is Clyde." I need a producer, actors, director, production staff!
10. Finally, to live my dream as a husband
17 months ko na itong pinaplano, at seryoso ako sa gusto ko nang tumira sa isang bahay kasama mo. Magkaroon ng anak, garden, BBQ grill sa garden, dalwang aso, a nice big kitchen, ikaw.
Let's do this 2012!!!!!
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