When doves pretend

It's okay to pretend sometimes. Pretend you're happy. Pretend that you are okay. Pretend that you can, even  though deep inside, you're shaking. We pretend because we want to be the person we aren't. We pretend because we want to think we can even if we know it's impossible.

Pretending may work well in some cases, but not all the time, like pretending to be happy with someone can only do so much. Eventually, you will get tired of all the drama, and settle for anything less than what you deserve. It's pathetic actually, you make a fool out of everyone, but you fool yourself above all.

Like a friend falling for another friend, who's taken.

Like falling for someone who is not ready for a commitment.

Like going out with someone you don't really like.

Like making love with a stranger picturing the one you love instead of her.

When we don't get what we deserve, our insecurities take over. We judge people who takes the things we want so badly for granted. We make them feel that they do not deserve the things we are not getting, yet we are not fighting badly for.

People who are insecure do this a lot. They go by the saying, "If I can't have it, no one else can". That's not even coming closer to a scratch on the surface.

Try to get me when I say, "I am not begging you to be happy for me, because me being happy for myself is more than enough. Try being happy for yourself, find contentment, and get the hell out of my case you insecure sonovabitch."

Birthday Boy ay 23

Hey guys! My birthday has been really awesome! Here's why:

I was able to go on a roadtrip to Tagayatay. Ate at Sonya's Garden, checked in at the Crosswinds Swiss Resort. It was a great long weekend! Two things off my birthday wishlist!

I had a night with my MP's. Dinner and drinking. It was really fun! One thing off my wishlist!

I have a new point and shoot camera. Another GE brand. One thing off my wishlist!

My food blog's doing really great! It was up 20+ slots over the past four days, from #91 to #68 this morning at www.topblogs.com. That's awesome!

I had an awesome degustation by Chef Hilton Le Roux at The Establishment. 11-course dinner! Read about it at www.ramenologist.blogspot.com .

I finally rid myself of unwanted people, and I'm looking at better tomorrows ahead of me.

And Thank You for these crazy people You gave me. They were with me on my special day!

Thank you Lord, for the 23 years of unending blessings. I love You!

(Pag-ibig sa taong 2011)

Nakakasira din talaga ng buhay ang pag-ibig. Ayon sa survey, ang salitang "mahal" ay mas naabuso pa kesa sa mga OFW sa Dubai. Lagi kasing ginagamit ng kung sinu-sino, kahit hindi pa naman oras para gamitin. Ginagawa nilang sagot sa mga bagay na mali. Papatay ka dahil mahal mo, mananakit ng ibang tao para sa taong mahal mo, sisirain ang buhay mo para sa taong mahal mo.

Taas-noo kong ipinagmamalaki na ang pinakamamahal kong tao sa buong mundo ay ang sarili ko. Sa sobrang pagmamahal ko eh naguumapaw na ang "mahal" sa buhay ko, at kinakailangan ko na siyang ipamahagi sa mundo lalo na sa mga nangangailangan.

Bihira ang mga taong tulad ko, madamot at kadalasan, napagkakamalang manhid. Aaminin ko, madamot ako noon, noong kulang pa ako sa pagmamahal, noong hindi pa ako masaya para sa sarili ko. Pero tingnan niyo naman ako ngayon, pinanghihilamos ko na lang ang good vibes. At kung gagawing cartoons ang buhay ko, may hearts palagi sa lupang dinadaanan ko.

Nakakatakot tumanggap ng pagmamahal mula sa taong hindi mahal ang sarili nila. You'd ask yourself, saan nila natutunan ang true love? Sa pelikula? Sa libro ni Bob Ong!? Naniniwala akong hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay experience ang best teacher, pero sa sitwasyon tulad ng love, experience lang talaga ang may karapatang maghusga. Hindi na kasi siya sakop ng basic senses natin.

Minsan, naranasan ko na din yang true love na yan. Umabot ako sa puntong mukha na akong tanga kakahabol, oras, pera puso at kaluluwa, binigay ko na. Nagsinungaling na ako para pagtakpan ka! Binigay ko ang lahat ng hinihingi mo, ANO PA BA ANG KULANG SA AKIN!?!?!?! (pause)

*HINGANG MALALIM

Minsan, naranasan ko na din yang true love na yan. At kahit si Marcos pa ang magdeklara na wala na akong paki-elam, papasok si Carlo Aquino para lang sabihin na "akala mo lang wala, pero meron, MERON, MEROOOON!" Apektado pa din ako, yung kilos ko at pakikitungo sa ibang tao, mood sa tuwing maiisip mo siya.

Pero look at the bright side, at least alam mo na na hindi porke't willing ka ibigay lahat para sa isang tao, eh ikaw na ang tama para sa kanya. At hindi din naman porke't willing kang isuko ang lahat ng bagay para sa kanya eh mamahalin ka na niya.

Minsan, yung totoong ikaw ang nakaka-akit.

Minsan, yung mga bagay na handa nating ipaglaban yung magugustuhan nila.

Minsan, hindi yung ideal para sa kanila ang magpapasaya sa kanila.

Dahil madalas sa hindi, ang pag-ibig, dumadating sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon, nakikita sa hindi inaasahang tao, at nagbibigay ng walang hinihinging kapalit.

Masarap magmahal kung gagawin ng may tama.

Mahal ko ang aso kong si Bali.

Tunay na Kaibigan

Kahapon, iniisip ko kung posible bang magkaroon ng tunay na kaibigan. Tulad ko, may mga bagay ako na hinahanap sa isang tao bago ko siya kaibiganin. Ang gusto ko sa isang kaibigan, yung mapagkakatiwalaan, mabait, hindi buraot, at higit sa lahat, mapagkakatiwalaan. Mapagkakatiwalaan. Pero iniisip ko din, na kapag tunay kang kaibigan, kahit ano pa ang katangian ng isang tao, hindi man ito maganda, tanggap mo, o di kaya naman, babaguhin mo.

Kung ganon, hindi ako tunay na kaibigan. Dahil wala naman akong kinaibigan na hindi ko naman mapapakinabangan. Not in an abusive kind of way na magmumukha na akong user, pero kung sakit lang naman ng ulo ang isang tao, at kukumpitensiyahin ka lang habambuhay, humanap na lang sila ng ibang kakaibiganin, wag ako.

True friends. Narinig ko na naman ang katagang yan kagabi. Madaming nagsasabi na true friend daw ako. Pero bakit ganon, madami pa din ang galit sa akin. Isa-isahin natin sila.

Para sa mga taong ito, ako ay masamang tao:

*ang katrabaho kong bakla na hindi naka-isa sa akin. Gusto daw niya akong maging bestfriend, pero dahil ayaw ko magpalambing, masama na akong tao.

*ang dati kong kabarkada na bakla na inakalang higit sa pagkakaibigan ang turingan namin. Nagpaasa lang daw ako.

*ang dati kong ka-telebabad sa telepono, na sinurprise ako noong 2nd college birthday ko. Nagkagusto sa akin pero hindi naging epektibo. Isa na siya sa mean girls ng batch hanggang grumaduate.

*ang dati kong bestfriend na ako ang pinatulan nung pinopormahan niyang babae, na ngayon ay tibo at kasal na.

Ano ang gustong ipahiwatig ng mga halimbawa ko?

Ang pagkakaibigan, huwag bahiran ng pag-ibig.

***

Medyo mahirap din timplahin minsan kung sobra na o kulang pa ang ginagawa mo para sa isang tao. Magkakaiba din kasi tayo ng timpla sa intimacy. Yung iba, konting hipo lang, pakiramdam, naabuso na ng sampung arabo. May iba naman, niyayakap mo na, sasabihan ka pa ng "bakit ang cold mo sa akin?" Partida, kaibigan mo lang sila. Kaya naman mahirap din lumagay sa tahimik. Kung tutuusin, mas komplikado ang pagkakaibigan keysa sa BFGF relationship. Wala itong formula na roses + chocolates= true love. Sa katunayan, walang formula ang friendship.

Kaya naman naniniwala akong walang tunay na kaibigan, mga tunay na tao lamang. Kung sa totoo lang, madami akong kaibigan na napag kukwentuhan ng buhay ko, pero sa tunay na tao lang ako nagtitiwala. Ang tunay na tao, nakikita mo lang sa kalsada, sa jeep, sa probinsiya, sa City Hall. Ito yung mga taong walang bias sa iyo. Ito yung mga taong may oras makinig, walang pinipiling pagkakataon, walang hinihinging kapalit.

Naniniwala ako sa mga kaibigan ko, pero bilang tao, may mga biases sila na tulad ko, nakaka-apekto sa pakikitungo ko, sa pagtatago ng mga sikreto, sa pakikihalubilo. Pero bawat isa sa atin, may side ng pagiging totoong tao. Kailangan lang makita natin yung taong totoo din sa atin, at handang makipagtotohanan sa iyo sa lahat ng pagkakataon. Tulad nga ng sabi ni Ate Ynah, WAGAS!

WIshlist (3 of 3)

My birthday is in six days. And I have four wishes left.

20.) PEACE OF MIND

I'm having a hard time dealing with people lately. It's either they're in misery and want other people to feel their pain, or they simply hate seeing other people happy. I am being pulled down by other people, and it feels so wrong. So I'm wishing peace of mind for the people I will be encountering. Work people, this one's for you guys. And yeah, my dad.

21.) A POINT AND SHOOT CAMERA

I want to take my food blogging to the next level, that is by improving my photos. I've been using my 2 megapixels cellular phone camera in taking food pictures, and most of the time, if not always, the look of the food in the pictures suffer from the camera's quality. Any point and shoot camera with at least 3x digital zoom will do. Thanks!

22.) MY OWN ROOM

It's been two years since I last had my own room. Now, I'm sharing it with my brother. It's bad enough that my room is dirty, now I'm sharing someone else's dirt. I want to draw on my walls, paint everything in white, I want to set up a surround sound system, an editing corner. I want to turn my room into the ultimate chill place.

And last but not the least,

23.) WIFI WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION DEACTIVATOR

Guns, atomic bombs, nuclear powerplants, Afghanistan, rifles. Without these things, people will have to fight using their fists, hence, a more justifiable measure of power. No abuse of power. And it goes without saying that all I ever wanted was World Peace.

Happy Birthday Wado!

pre-birthday

Today, I woke up to a very unusual morning. It was hot inside my room but I wasn’t sweating, I was tired but I thought I had enough sleeping, my body aches, my mind is unsettled, everything was a blur yet something inside me says everything is in order. Unusual.

I’ll be celebrating my birthday in a week, and I strongly feel that this year is gonna be different. 23 years of existence, one year into work, one year away from college friends, one year influenced by the pollution that is media, one year in love, one year stressed out; one year.

Funny how a year can change you, let a lone a month, or a day, or a split second that will change your life forever. We don’t ask, but we anticipate it every single time.

This year, I think my life has changed. Change that wasn’t strong enough to be life changing, but it has changed me. My beliefs, philosophies, and principles are now pointing at a completely different target. My work, a person, a dog, and my family did that to me. And I hope to be thankful for them next year.

I had a dream about my dad last night, and I was running away from him. He was apologetic, but I was indifferent. I woke up today, living the dream still. It’s funny how they put forgiveness before forgetting, when in reality, we don’t really forgive when we can still remember. So forget, and try to forgive.

Yesterday, I had another memory lapse. I was sitting inside a car, and forgot who I’m sitting with for a good ten seconds. It was scary, I cried right after. It was as if I rode inside a stranger’s car. I freaked out a bit, and then tried to remember eventually. Scariest ten seconds of my life.

Maybe that’s why I love taking photos, and I love writing, because one day, I’ll be using them to remind me of the things that I have forgotten. Every time these memory lapses occur, they get stronger, and longer. It’s unforgivable if one day I forget about everything good that people has done for me, more so, the people I love. Lord, help me remember the good things, and forget all about the bad. I want to remember how good life has been for me.

I really miss driving. I miss driving long distances. Months back, when I feel down, I would usually take the car somewhere I haven’t been, and stay there, until I feel better. The road and I, we’re somehow connected, like me and the beach, and me and nature. We are one. After fighting over two cars, I decided my sister can have them both. I feel sad I went that far to get away from naggers. But I wouldn’t put a price to the peace I have right now.

I think I’ll go somewhere on my birthday.

Have a great day guys! And do forget to greet me on my birthday, I don’t like greetings. Thanks!

Wishlist (2 of 3)

9.) A FIREWIRE 800 EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE

I don't really care what brand, I just want it to be a Firewire 800. It transfers files rapidly, I can edit straight from it, using Deme. It's like having an extra internal memory. I could probably use this when I take home segments from Wow Mali or even Relasyon. 500GB is enough I think. According to a very reliable source, a 500GB will range from 4k to 6k.



10.) COFFEE MAKER

I used to have one two years back. It was a gift for my mom, but I ended up using it more. I'd buy Starbucks coffee every once in a while, then consume only half of it. The machine broke down after some time. Even though it was a Krups. Krups is the best brand there is, I might have simply bought the cheap introductory one. So now, I want a sturdy, metal, bulky coffee maker, one that would not be mistaken as a coffee dripper. Our house is a mess, and does not deserve a coffee maker, but I want one. Fate will decide where I can put it. P3k to 6k.

Ah, the smell of coffee!




11.) AN INTRO TO CULINARY CLASS

It's been a year since I last graduated from UST, Communication Arts. But did you know that I almost left for a culinary school way back second year? I'm a frustrated chef, and up until now, I want to pursue it. I'm like kawali to an open flame, you can never bring us apart. I saw that Aristocrat Culinary School offers a three-day introduction to CA, but sadly, the demo dates land on my birthday, from June 20-22. Sad. But I'm open to other schools, CCA, CACS, Global, or even private tutoring lessons. I just want to fry. =(







12.) A LAPTOP BAG INSIDE A KNAPSACK

You know those North Face bags with a compartment for laptops? That. All my bags don't have one, and I'm worried that everytime I put my bag down, Deme gets some serious beating on the floor. I think that that compartment will work well for Deme's protection. 4k.









13.) A WORK STATION

Since the option of editing from home became open, I figured that a workstation can be really helpful. At the moment, I am editing from my bed on the floor, an a side table. It hurts my back, and my legs don't have enough room to sit in. I'd transport my study table from Lucena back here, but it's too bulky. Let's just say, get me a new one, with comfy office chairs to go with it too! 4k.




14.) A NIGHT BY THE BAY

I'd love to enjoy the busy streets of the Metro but at the same time, be in a place of serene and zen. So I was thinking, Manila Bay. A night when I can share stories, eat the yellow part of the balot, drink Coke straight from the bottle, chicharon, inihaw na pusit, and laugh the night away. Priceless.

15.) HANGOVER NIGHT

Yes, I know college ended 403 days ago for me. But that doesn't mean the fun had to end too, right? I miss drinking with my college friends, waking up the next morning in one of your friend's house, eating breakfast while trying to remember what happened the night before. Carefree life.












16.) A DATE WITH MY MP's

I made a blog about my MarePare some six months ago, about how much I miss them, and how much I wanted to see us together again, complete. I think, I have to throw a party on my birthday, just so I'd see all of us again, together. Maybe I'll just ask them out. For dinner. A movie.

Read the MP blog I was talking about. Click me.







17A.) A ROADTRIP (plus 17B)

I seriously want to drive to Baguio. It's listed in my Bucket List. And then when I get there, I'd stay in one the transient houses by the Igorots, cook breakfast while the steam and smog collide. Drink coffee, and listen to Three Doors Down the whole day. Commercial pala ng Nescafe. AHAHAHA


17B.)  COFFEE SA SCTEX (plus 17A)

Iba talaga yung pakiramdam na nasa foreign land ka. Wala kang kakilala, pero pamilyar sa iyo yung lugar. Yung parang home but not quite. Ganito yung pakiramdam ko nung huling beses na nasa SCTEX ako at nagkakape sa Mocha Blends. Pakiramdam ko, ang mature ko na. Nagtagalog pagkatapos mag-english? ahaha! But seriously, I think the backpacker inside me speaks for my 17Ath wish. My love for travel and coffee, and of course, good company. I also remember eating lunch inside the car while parked along SCTEX. Priceless!




18.) POLO SPORT 4

My Lacoste Essentials is almost vapor. I need a new scent, and I think this one is it. It's orange, and it smells really good!












19.) A GIG, SO I CAN PLAY DRUMS AGAIN

Somehow, I miss playing the drums.

This is how I celebrated my birthday last year.

Lat part of my wishlist, coming very soon!

The 23 WISHLIST (part 1 of 3)

Since my birthday is in 21 days,

and I'll be turning 23 by then,

and I made one like this last year,

I thought I ought to make another one this year,

even though no one really cares to buy it for me,

but wishing for them is as good as having them already,

since I'm already 23.

Friends, meet my TOP 23!



1.) A DEUTER TRAVEL BAG

I am a self-proclaimed backpacker. I've been to Vigan, Bohol, Anawangin, Pampanga, Subic, Tagaytay, General Santos, Cebu, Palawan, Thailand, Singapore, Japan, and I can't wait to see the rest of the world. I am a very good packer, but borrowing travel bags has always been a problem. If I could get one of these gorgeous babies, I'd be like one of them Amazing Race contestants, running around effortlessly. There's a store in TriNoma that sells Deuter bags for P7,100, that's a 60 liter bag, expandable to 70.






2.) A LOMO CAMERA

I believe I take good pictures. Someday, when I am all grown up, and old, I'd like to look at some photos of my travels, with friends, with family, and bury them with me when I die. I appreciate the digital images I have online, but nothing beats printed out photos. It's classic, it's effortless art, but requires photography skills. Lots of it. Team Manila has lomo cams on sale. A Diana would do, P5,500 to P7,000. Please include a starter kit if you don't mind.








3.) SEBAGO LOAFERS

I would like to dress down, look effortless, but not sacrifice my look. I think Sebago loafers are key to achieve this look. Everytime I visit the mall, I'd grab a pair, stare at it for at least five seconds, and then leave. I think it's too expensive to buy, but too easy to give as a gift to others. I'd get my brother one of these, but I can't buy it for myself. And I call myself selfish? Blah. P5,000 to P6,000.





4.) HARD CASING FOR DEME

It hasn't been a year, but the casing of my Mac Deme is cracked on the upper left corner. I guess it has something to do with the charger hitting it most of the time. I'd like to try on other colors, the one I have now is black. Blue maybe? Power Mac Center-- P3,000-P5,000.









5.) A BLACKBERRY

I think I'm giving this to myself this year. I'm planning to get one together with my TV5 officemates. Since almost all of them are on BB, I guess it's about time to BBM myself up. But if you can beat me to it before the 22nd of June, go ahead. Spoil me. P11,000. That's the cheapest I think.










6.) THE NEW NIKE BREATHABLE RUNNING SHOES


I saw them at Trinoma, but weren't on sale then. They are newly released. The science in those shoes are amazing, I can't wait to get my feet in one of them soon. I'd like the gray one with the neon yellow soles. Thank you. P5,400. Nike.







7.) APPLE SENSOR MOUSE

This mouse is so cool. It's bluetooth, and it has no trackball, no scroll, pure orgasmic sensor to the fingertips. I can navigate freely through my Final Cut Projects with this baby. It can also be used with our FCP units at TV5! HEYHEYHEY! P4,000. Power Mac Center.












8.) AIRFARE TO ANYWHERE

Surprise me. Priceless. I love to travel, I just need the right resources. You can be one of them. One thing people don't understand about me, is that I really love to travel. I love it so much that I can do it all by myself. I can drive for hours, ride a plane, 26 hours in a train, just to see what the world has to offer. I love the new things I discover, the culture I encounter, the people I meet and greet. Bow.











To be continued...