Just for today, it's been a roller coaster ride for me

I've been happy over the past few days, when everything was going okay. My mom's visit became more frequent, my zeal for my studies is slowly recuperating from it's long rest, most of my friends get along with me really well, up until now, I couldn't have asked for more.

Two nights ago, I found out that our business has been on boiling water for several months now. And I, have been living a life we couldn't afford. I still wanted so many things, but at this point, will be too much to ask. I wanted so much to help our business, I know I could. The thought of stopping for a semester entered my mind. But then again, I know it will do me no good, and my mom will definitely not agree.

I know my mom's going through hell right now, with Bea becoming more and more whiny about her not finding a job, the birth of an expensive lifestyle for Symon, me not talking to him, Mae's insecurities, I really do not know how she would handle all of these.

Frankly, I do not like the people around my mom anymore. So far, I've been her only source of good news among her children. And I will keep on doing that until my other siblings find ways on their own.

For this week, I will try and do myself a favor by not giving in to other people's qualms and whining. Just for this week, I will try not to do any favors as I will be adjusting to a new lifestyle I sure hope I easily get accustomed to but not acquainted with. Just for this week, I will spend less, avoid crowds, study more, prioritize what is essential and important. If these things do me good, maybe I'll do it for another week, and the week after that. Just for this week, I will be experimenting.

Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised that it would be worth it. So even though the waves are going another direction, I promise not to go with the changes, instead, I'll try to adjust my sails and direct it to where I think the right way is.

On the brighter side of things, I was really thankful when my family gathered on our first* family reunion at the Tagaytay Highlands. Amah was really happy seeing all of us gather together, celebrated her birthday, shared a meal, exchanged stories and more.

Regal was really impressed with what I have done today at work. With my 200 hours over, my going to work is proof enough that I am indeed more that just an intern to them. We bonded the entire day at the Avid room, played guitar, shared a humble snack, went to the mall. It was quite overwhelming.

I have plenty of things to thank for. I am blessed with very important people who loves me. Tests may come my way, but God gave me a mind to think and a heart to tell me what's the right thing to do. God is good indeed...all the time!

Surprise!!! Birthday party

Well, as I was making my previous blog entries here, my yaya came up to my room and told me I had visitors. I checked my watch and it said 9:30pm. I knew then and there it was my barkada.

As I marched down the stairs wearing my prison shirt from Bilibid, all my friends and my girlfriend were singing happy birthday. A cake was waiting for me, a big box wrapped in The Little Mermaid wrapper, and the smiling faces of all my friends.

I've always hated surprises, but why is it that even if I see it coming, I do not do anything to stop it? Would that mean subconsciously, I might be liking it? Heck, I don't think so.

Well, I was really touched with the gesture as all of my friends were complete. No one in our group (as far as I can remember, has celebrated a birthday with complete attendance from everybody. But for me, this time, they actually were. I felt really special.

When they asked me to open the present, I found out that it was an electric boiler, the kind we bought a week earlier together with the refrigerator. It was a good story to laugh about as we headed for dinner. I had to treat them to something for the really overwhelming gesture. So we headed to my "treat house", The Sicillian Express.

I've treated friends here during Christmas and my birthday last year. It's becoming an annual thing I guess. It's a good thing to have a place attached to your name, noh?

As I went home, I've become aware of how special I really am to the people around me. God never failed me as He brought the right people into my life to make me who I deserve to become today.

When I got home and browse Cams' gift, I was really overwhelmed. She made me a scrapbook with reasons why she loves me (why I am loveable) Hahah! It was the sweetest thing I ever got from anybody to date. As I was reading over the pages, I couldn't really imagine what I've done to deserve such a gift. It was so sweet I couldn't get enough of my hunn, until NOW!!!!!

She fell asleep in the middle of our daily mushy exchange of goodnights. I guess she was really tired as she was up all night last night making this special surprise for me. I AM really lucky to have her, and I will try my best to make it up to her for as long as time would permit me to do so. She makes me feel loved, special, great, happy in a way no one has ever done before. She really is my ANGEL.

Thank you again Lord for this surprise.

On the brighter side of things

I got to spend time with my sisters, all four hours among ourselves.

And I had my mom sleep with us here in Manila. It felt like being young all over again. Mom's looking after my things, preparing meals at the exact same place where we used to live, I grew up, and gained perspective.

I guess I don''t have much to feel sad for, since I got what I wanted for my birthday. Time with my sisters and mom. I pictured a more special; more grand meal to share among ourselves though, but it was good enough as it is-was.

I felt sad though when my mom handed me money as a birthday present. It wasn't really enough to treat my friends, heck, my weekly allowance is even bigger. I guess that showed how much she really knew me, and I love her now more than ever.

As they travel back to Lucena, my heart goes with them. On this special day, having my family with me makes it unforgettable. alongside with the greetings from my friends, how can I ask for more?

Thank you Lord for another year of blessing, joys, abundance and guidance. Thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for the gift of life.

I love You! =)

I want!

Waaaaaah!

Of dreams and reality

I woke up from my afternoon sleep feeling really uncomfortable. Despite the cold air conditioning and sufficient lighting, the room felt warm and gloomy.I had a dream, one you wouldn't be scared of, but something that would suck out all the happiness in you. That sort of dream.

My siblings are supposed to come visit me next week, and that thought must have been on my mind as I went to sleep. My dream pretty much did the same thing, them coming over with my mom. The scene was pretty familiar as it happened at home, but the only difference is that, we were all sad. We talk and all, we're just not that happy.

It is unusual for our family not to be happy. Despite my dad's presence, we still manage to laugh off everything that happens,, but my dream showed otherwise. Being lonely is my monster, and it scares the hell out of me.

I called my mom as soon as I woke up, checked on her, and suddenly, I felt relieved hearing her voice.

**
Afternoon naps never brought me good dreams, and so does my dreams at night. This is what I am really thankful for. That my reality is finally better than my dreams. I have more reasons to live than to sleep dreaming and wondering what might have been.

Thank you Lord for a very wonderful life! You never let me down! =) I love You!

Isang pulang stick ng yosi

Yun lamang po at maraming salamat.

Swine Full

My mom left for Macau yesterday with her three siblings. They'd be staying there for six days. Funny thing is that on her first day there, she's called me twice already just to check up on me and Symon and Bea.

Mom and I nearly got into a huge fight when I took her to the airport. She insisted that I take full responsibility over my little brother. I could try and explain to her about the promise I made with myself that I would never help my brother after what he did a couple months back, but I opted not to. I wanted her peace as she travels by plane for the first time.

My mom never really liked flying. That is why this, after OH SO LONG, flight should never, ever go wrong. But then it had to rain really hard, and Swine Flu had to get in the way. My mom had all the right to be afraid of flying, and I certainly do not want to give her any more reason to worry.

Yet I didn't promise her anything. it would be really difficult to explain to your mom how you've tried to reach out, and desperately gave up on your brother against your will.

I fell silent on the last twenty minutes or so to MOA, holding back the tears I didn't want to show her. I kept on reminding her that, "ma, masakit yang sinasabi mo..." so that she'd stop saying how irresponsible I am not to look after Symon.

Finally when she felt I was about to cry, she stopped. I wished she'd stop, because I seriously do not want to do anything out of rage. Silence made it even more difficult.

I love my mom above anyone else in the world. But she has got to stop asking me to love the people she loves, because it's not the same, and it will never be.

And so the countdown BEGINS with 4

Malapit na ang 4th month namin, pero sadly, hindi pa din namin ito macecelebrate together.

4 days to go.

I love you hun!

**Look at that pic hun! Di pa tayo close! wahahaha!

New Room, same old story

So I moved in my new room a couple of hours ago, and it felt different, but familiar all the same.

My brother and sister moved in a couple of weeks ago, and it felt different, but familiar all the same.

I felt sad, then happy, then went back to being sad. It's like high school all over again. It might have felt different going back in time, but it felt familiar all the same.

History, as they say, repeats itself. And yes, we sometimes feel familiar to the difference it brings. And yes, maybe that is what makes it special, because you already know the feeling, and hopefully you'd know the right thing to do this time.