A Conversation with the Celebrant

December 10, 2008

AKO: Ano po ito?

LORD: Obviously, siya.

AKO: Alam ko po, pero ano pong ibig sabihin nito?

LORD: You mean bakit ko siya binigay sa iyo?

AKO: Opo.

LORD: Eh diba matagal mo na yang gusto?

AKO: Opo.

LORD: May padasal-dasal ka pa ngang nalalaman jan. Sa katunayan, kalahati sa mga dasal mo, yan ang laman. So ngayon, iyo na.

AKO: Hindi naman po siguro kalahati. Pero natatandaan kong hiniling ko nga ito.

LORD: Eh ano pa ang saysay ng usap na ito? Shouldn't you be just thankful at binigay ko na iyan?

AKO: That's the thing, parang ayaw ko po.

LORD: Ayaw? Paanong ayaw? Napaka-ungrateful mo naman, Wado.

AKO: Hindi ko nga din po maintindihan eh, ewan ko. Sorry.

LORD: Hindi maintindihan?

AKO: Siguro po, naguguilty ako dahil mabilis kong nakuha. Hindi ko po pinaghirapan.

LORD: Pagkatapos, kapag pinapahirapan ko kayo, nagrereklamo kayo. Ano ba talaga ang gusto ninyo?

AKO: Sorry naman. Kaso parang hindi kasi worth it kapag ganun ganun ko na lang makukuha eh.

LORD: Kaya ba hindi ka masaya at nakuha mo siya? Dahil binigay ko lang agad at hindi mo pinaghirapan, ganun ba?

AKO: Siguro po.

LORD: So sa palagay mo, pag nag-effort ka sa isang bagay, mas tumataas ang value nito?

AKO: Ngayon po, opo. Parang hiking lang yan eh. Mas masarap maabot ang tuktok ng bundok kapag nag-hiking ka. Hindi maganda ang summit kung ibababa ka lang ng helicopter sa taas. Yan yung pot of gold natin at the end of the rainbow eh.

LORD: So paano? Kukunin ko na? Ibabalik ko na lang kapag feeling mo deserving ka na, ganun?

AKO: I guess so. Pero pwedeng iba na lang?

LORD: Ha? Bakit na naman? Tingnan mo itong taong to. Ang labo!

AKO: Eh kasi, nabot ko na siya eh. Anong purpose ng pangaraping abutin siyang muli kung naabot ko na diba?

LORD: Eh kakasabi mo lang kanina na mas nag-iiba ang pakiramdam ng pinaghirapan. Baka kapag pinahirapan kitang maabot ito, maapreciate mo siya ng todo.

AKO: Maaari. Pero noong nakuha ko na po siya, it felt empty. Mas okay siya sa pangarap ko. Kasi, kapag noong nakuha ko na, parang nawalan na ako ng goal sa buhay.

LORD: Pero hindi ba iyan ang purpose ko para sa inyo? Ang matupad ang inyong mga pangarap? Bakit mo naman ako kokontrahin?

AKO: These goals po, karamihan naman kasi diyan, dinidikta lang sa akin. Pinapakita ng ibang tao na ito ang dapat kong pangarapin, abutin.

LORD: I'm lost.

AKO:Like money for instance. Sabi nila, kailangan ko daw ng madaming pera, pero nauubos ang oras ko lately kaka-ingat sa pera ko. Takot akong lumabas ng bahay dala ang laptop ko, ang cellphone ko. While the poor streetchildren, sa kalsada sila natutulog, walang kinatatakutan na baka may mawala sa kanila.

LORD: Ah. Good point. So kukunin ko na lahat ng pera mo?

AKO: Nooo! Ibig ko lang pong sabihin, mas tumataas din ang value ko for life everytime nakukuha ko ang mga goals ko. Of course kailangan ko din ng pera, pero to become filthy rich is another thing. Kailangan ko ng pera to provide myself the basic needs. That's it.

LORD: Ah. Natakot ka no? Akala mo kukunin ko talaga.

AKO: Konti. Kaya ninyo naman po kasing gawin ang lahat.

LORD: Etong batang ito talaga. So ano na ang gusto mo ngayong birthday ko?

AKO: Birthday ninyo, kayo pa ang magbibigay?

LORD: That's how much I love you.

AKO: Love din naman namin kayo eh, sobra.

LORD: So, ano na ang gusto mo ngayong Christmas day?

AKO: Ang maging masaya po ang mga tao sa birthday ninyo.

LORD: Talaga?

AKO: Opo. Happy that you are there, happy for what they have. Sana lahat masaya.

LORD: Now that's noble. Mahal kita, Wado.

AKO: I love You din po.

***

When stars Die

It was 2:00 in the morning, I left Jim, Mica, Migs, Jico and Mang Mike drinking. I lit a stick and walked by the beach. The view from the shore was pitch-black. From where I was standing, I could hear the group’s boisterous laughter jiving with the sound of the waves hitting the shore. Nonetheless, the sky that night was peaceful.

I decided to sit beside a small tree trunk that used to be a part of a bonfire, and survived the flames. I wanted to lie on the sand to get a better view of the sky, but I opted not to. I just sat there and began breathing, puffing my almost finished stick.

I told myself, “this is where it ends”, out of the blue. The waves reminded me of the simpler life I used to have, where everything was easy, and life was very beautiful. Another voice inside my head replied, “this is me all grown up!”. I frowned and finished my stick.

I saw an old hut from a distance. The place was well-lit by a gas lamp sitting peacefully on top of a table. Their window was wide open so I was able to see clearly what was inside the house. Sitting in tranquility, I saw the humble hut as a metaphor of how life should have been, in this case, for myself. The hut’s windows were opened as if nothing evil could occur that night. The house was boasting its shabby interior even with the queer eye of the tourists all judgmental. I wish I could be as humble and proud and as perfect as the hut altogether.

A shooting star. I closed my eyes and made a wish.

The group gave away another round of laughter. I wasn’t jealous at all. I knew having a conversation with myself would be more appropriate. For the longest time, I have been away from myself. I was always divided among the people around me, my band, my friends, my family, school, organizations. I pity myself for not having made a special time for myself earlier. Things wouldn’t have gotten this far. I am certain I went far.

I took me a while before I finally found myself again, all contained and exhausted. For the very first time, I felt tired. In silence, I found peace.

A dog passed by and sat a meter away from me. Like me, he seemed tired from walking. The both of us remained dumbfounded by the wonderful display of stars above.

Another shooting star. I let the dog wish on this one.

Mica called me and asked if I were doing okay. I smiled and honestly said “yes”. After a short walk by the beach, we returned to the table and picked up from where we left off. I saw a plate of bagnet ( a Vigan dish- deep fried pork) on the table all lonely. I remembered the dog staring at it earlier at dinner. I called him and gave him all the bagnet he wanted.

At least one of us got what we wished for. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed with mine.

Oct. 23, 2007